Three Stars One-Shot (w/Astronomica and 7th Star)

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The Dark Star Adventurecast teams up with Astronomica and 7th Star to the Right for a fully improvised Lasers & Feelings crossover one-shot. Six players, one ship, and a Hive Armada blockade standing between them and a set of ancient space ruins!

Buy us a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/darkstaradventurecast

Meet the Crew:

• Jeff as Star Master

• Brian as Blaze Starcutter

• Scott as Bits

• Stephanie as Neon Serenity

• Doja as Isith of Scythstor

Special guests:

• Geoff (7th Star to the Right) as Dash McCready Jr.

• Stan (Astronomica) as Flix Anchovy

Find our guests:

• Astronomica: https://www.astronomicapodcast.com/

• 7th Star to the Right: https://the7thstar.podbean.com/

Special thanks to Brad and Holly, our Scapegoat Syndicate members!

They're keeping the lights on, and the airlocks sealed

• Show Transcript

  [00:00:01] Star Master Jeff: Welcome to the Dark Star Adventure Cast, where the only thing standing between you and the Black is your ship and the strength of your crew. Void help us all.

  [00:00:11] Felix: I'll shoot some fucking portal. Grr, grr, grr.

  [00:00:14] Robert: What about giving you a vigorous back row?

  [00:00:18] Thorne: Oh yeah, kill them to your heart's content. I'm not gonna stop you. Haley, what are you waiting for?

  [00:00:23] Robert: Blast them off the bridge.

  [00:01:00] Star Master Jeff: welcome back everyone to the dark star adventure cats we actually have two wonderful guests here with us today to play lasers and feelings if people remember last time we played um actually we should very quickly

  [00:01:22] Felix: uh asked stephanie to give us 30 seconds of what happened in the last legions and feelings even though it doesn't matter for tonight and was a long time ago so last time on lasers and feelings the the crew was adventuring along with neon serenity as she was going on her or the crew was adventuring with neon serenity as she was working towards earning her sailor scout merit badge as part of the cosmic scouts association this led her to a planet that had alien brain worms and honestly the rest of the crew mainly zeta and kip and captain darcy was sick but they were not doing very well echo whiskey seven though he was awesome because neon serenity had made him as part of earning her 30 seconds and now we've learned about neon serenity and nothing else yay

  [00:02:14] Star Master Jeff: Which is actually interesting because Neon Serenity is back for this episode, but nothing from last episode is canon. Sort of? I don't know. I guess we have to decide that.

  [00:02:24] Felix: Professor Trevor, the big one Blagardian is certainly canon.

  [00:02:30] Star Master Jeff: uh brain worms are canon all everything is canon from last time but you are now in a different galaxy far far away uh patent pending on that phrase but more importantly we do have two guests with us tonight both from other stars without number podcasts because tonight is our triple podcast crossover night what so we have jeff from seventh star to the right it's dan from Astronomica. Hello. I was recently on both of their podcasts as well. So this podcast that you're listening to right now is releasing on the same day as the podcasts that are part of the Triple Crossover on their podcast. So after you listen to this podcast and then head on over and listen to their podcast as well, where you can hear me stutter through trying to play an individual character instead of a whole suite of them.

  [00:03:18] Haleyy: Which podcast was better? Oh, good question.

  [00:03:22] Star Master Jeff: Which podcast was better out of the two of yours? Yes. You have to pick.

  [00:03:27] Felix: I want to say answering this question is what's going to earn our ship its grim reputation. Be careful.

  [00:03:34] Star Master Jeff: Well, the answer to that question is something I will answer at the end of this episode. So tune in to find out. Cliffhanger. Jeff, why don't you tell us a little bit about Seventh Star from the Right?

  [00:03:45] Haleyy: Hi, yeah, I am 7th Jeff. I am the other Jeff, not the Jeff on the Astronomica podcast and not the Jeff on the Dark Star Adventurecast podcast, but the Jeff from 7th Star to the right. I am the GM for that campaign that's been going on for, oh my lord, probably like six years now. And so, yeah, we do a lot of stuff with metadimensional energy and like the metadimensional kind of zone um because i think that stuff is neat also elder tour so if that pitch is interesting to you check us out at some start of the right awesome do you have a website uh no because we're really bad at marketing ourselves so go to google and type in seventh star to the right i'm pretty sure you'll also get some bible stuff probably i don't know when i looked it up but put the word podcast on the end and you will find it it's very fun stan tell us about astronomica Oh, man. Astronomica is a Stars Without Numbers actual play podcast. And it's about a group of revolution hobos flying around, promising loudly at the beginning of every arc not to overthrow the government of whatever world they're visiting and proceeding to fail to not overthrow the government. And it's been going on for quite a long time, right? It has been going on. I have no idea how long. Since the pandemic. Yeah. And do you have a website? We do. AstronomicaPodcast.com, which is a website that I have never visited, but I hear it's very nice.

  [00:05:18] Thorne: We'll take your word for it that it exists. If you go there, it is a bunch of Bible stuff.

  [00:05:22] Star Master Jeff: So we are on theme.

  [00:05:24] Thorne: So does does marketing play into the better podcast question at the end of the thing? And if so, are we tallying points or what? That's interesting.

  [00:05:32] Star Master Jeff: And the answer to that question is something I'll answer at the end of this podcast. And I'll be doing this for the rest of the night. You guys are like, so we open that door. What's on the other side of the door? And I'm like, the other side of the door is tune in to find out. We never go anywhere. Hey, I'm tuned in. This is the most tuned in I can be. I believe it. And I can feel that everyone's tuned in and just bristling with energy because we were playing with lasers and feelings, which we played once before, as Stephanie kind of told us. when she told us about her character instead of the last episode where we played it. It's an awesome one-page award-winning TTRPG by John Harper. You can find this and more, such as Blades in the Dark, at 17design.com. Check him out. And if you like this episode, ping him on Blue Sky and tell him how fucking cool we are because I sent him a message once and he did not respond. So get John Harper to message me back on Blue Sky. So before we started, everybody rolled up their characters. We did this because last time we did it all on the pod. So if you want to hear how the game actually works, go listen to the first Lages and Feelings episode, but do it after this one. These two episodes have nothing to do with each other except for they are the same system. And Neon Serenity, who was in the last episode, happens to be in this one as well, because Stephanie loved that character so much. So we have all of our characters and we also have our ship, the Rapture, which has some random stuff or player-decided stuff as well. So we're going to quickly, very quickly, go through each person and they're going to tell us who they are and who they are playing and what their deal is. And then I'm going to randomly roll on the chart for what we're actually doing tonight, because every single thing you're about to hear will be completely improv'd.

  [00:07:22] Thorne: Let's start with Brian. Sure, sounds good. So I am playing Blaze Starcutter, the hotshot soldier whose goal in life is to blow shit up. He's the kind of guy who wears a bandolier to a fancy dinner party, and he's a bit forgetful. Nice.

  [00:07:38] Star Master Jeff: Let's go with, I mean, I can see the next one on the Discord list is Jeff from Seventh Star, but he's a guest. So I'm going to have him go last with Stan. Give them a moment to breathe after their awesome pitches. Let's go with Doge. Who are you playing? And I can see that your character name is almost unpronounceable.

  [00:07:55] Robert: Nice.

  [00:07:56] Star Master Jeff: Nice.

  [00:07:57] Robert: I'm sorry. My character is very pronounceable. Isis of Sithestor. I am a battlefield, well, we'll say medic. I do have a specialty in drugs and poisons. I am originally from a swamp planet, and I've learned about biopharmacology through necessity. And somehow I've made it to this rabble of a crew that's now my family.

  [00:08:43] Star Master Jeff: Okay, and I still can't pronounce that name. Assist-assist-assist-tour. Yep, that's the one. I'm going to be struggling with that one all night. Next one on the Discord list is me. I'm not playing a character. I'm playing everything and everyone else. So, hello. I am your GM tonight. Jeff with a J. Not to be confused with Jeff with a G from 7 Star. Pronounced completely differently. On to Scott.

  [00:09:10] Felix: Yeah, thanks. So I am playing B1TS, also known as Bits. He is the android engineer of our ship. And his one goal in his existence is to learn how to feel. He just wants to unlock those human emotions. Classic android trope, but I think it'll be fun.

  [00:09:27] Thorne: The opposite of Felix.

  [00:09:28] Felix: Yeah, right? Felix wants to learn how to feel.

  [00:09:31] Star Master Jeff: He's a human who wants to be an android and not feel. Yeah. Felix doesn't want to feel. Stephanie.

  [00:09:38] Felix: Hi, it's Stephanie. I am playing the returning Neon Serenity, an Intrepid Explorer. And last time we saw her, she was on a mission to earn her Sailor Scout merit badge to reach Pretty Guardian rank. She has done this. She is awesome at this now. And she's been continuing her journey to promote love and justice throughout the galaxy. But this time when we meet her, she is searching for the Crystal Palace. so that she can make progress towards earning her Moon Kingdom Scout certification. MKSC.

  [00:10:12] Thorne: Is this post-time skip Neon Serenity?

  [00:10:15] Felix: Yes, yes.

  [00:10:16] Thorne: This is five years later. Five years later.

  [00:10:20] Star Master Jeff: Back up the list.

  [00:10:20] Haleyy: Let's go back to Jeff. I'm playing Dash McCready Jr. I'm a sexy pilot, and I'm here to prove myself. After I caused that big old pileup back at the Galactic Grand Prix, they don't let me race anymore. Now that's pod racing. That is pod racing. That is pod racing. Stan. Yeah, I'm playing Flix Anchovy, the completely straight-laced and serious and normal alien anthropologist. Looks a little like Leonard Nimoy, but with an upside down nose. And he is here to, he's a scientist. His number is three. I don't know if we were saying that. And he's here to understand man's nature. A very simple task. Shouldn't give him any trouble. Ought to be done by lunchtime. Sounds like an easy one.

  [00:11:17] Star Master Jeff: Okay. You've met our characters. Now meet their ship, the Rapture. What have you all decided? Brian, why don't you tell us about... Well, actually, no. Who's the pilot? Dash McCready. Dash, why don't you tell us about the Rapture? The Rapture?

  [00:11:31] Haleyy: Yes. Very, very importantly, our Raptor is fast. It's got to be fast. Otherwise, Dash wouldn't drive it. It's fast because he drives it. There you go. Oh. We've got superior sensors as well. But our flaw is we have a grim reputation because Captain Darcy did some bad stuff in the past.

  [00:11:53] Star Master Jeff: You haven't heard of the Raptor? It can make the McCready run in under two Dash Juniors. I was trying to remember the quote. I think that's pretty close. Yeah, you got that. We didn't say what our lasers and feelings... We didn't say the lasers and feelings numbers, which is totally fine. It will be a surprise as we play. I'm now going to roll in the GM charts. I'm going to do this publicly, and this is going to tell us what our adventure is tonight. So we have a threat, the Hive Armada. Wants to protect or empower the ancient space ruin. Another one of those damn ancient space ruins. Which will destroy the solar system.

  [00:12:38] Felix: They have to be stopped. It always says a solar system. Like it might be a solar system we don't care about.

  [00:12:44] Star Master Jeff: Okay, so let's play. Everything we're about to do is completely improv. I did not roll these beforehand, so I don't know what the hell is going to happen. I have nothing written down. So here we go. The six of you are on the bridge of the Raptor. The quiet hum of the engines is softly vibrating the steel plating beneath your feet. The constant engine noise and background bleeps and bloops of the bridge are extremely comforting to you. The captain has fallen ill. A strange space illness has taken him. and you have put him into the only stasis pod to delay the disease until you can get back to Federation space. In his stead, no one has truly stepped up to be captain. You are all the same rank, but you all have different jobs here on the Raptor. You are currently on a research mission in a far-flung galaxy, far from home. It will take you quite a long time to get back and bring Captain Darcy the medical care that he needs, but you must finish the mission first. It is your duty. You're in this solar system right now because an ancient space ruin was recently discovered that harkened back to one that had made trouble for the Federation previously with brain worms back on Blagart 5. Shit, I'm building lore from the previous Lures and Feelings. I can't help myself. Look what you did. It's too good. But... None of that matters. It's simply the impetus for you to be out here. And they wanted to send an expert along, so they sent Neon Serenity with you. Because she's encountered ancient space ruins before. You are pulling up to the planet, uh... Snow... Globe 7. There are six others. All seven of them are in this solar system, and they're all extremely snowy, and the ancient space ruins are down there. However, you are surprised to see that there is a bunch of asteroids circling Snowglobe 7. With your advanced sensors, You immediately penetrate through these organic masses and find that they are, in fact, organic spaceships. And inside are millions of tiny little critters moving about. There's got to be over a thousand of these rocks circling the planet. You're a ways out, and you're not sure if they can even detect you from this range. But goddammit, you've got to get to that planet and explore those space ruins. What would you like to do?

  [00:15:12] Haleyy: Let's get to the planet and explore the space ruins.

  [00:15:14] Star Master Jeff: The end.

  [00:15:16] Felix: So I just want to confirm our scouting reports. Are the little critters like orbiting around the planet or on the planet?

  [00:15:26] Star Master Jeff: There's a bunch of like big asteroids that are orbiting the planet and all the critters are inside the asteroids and you're able to detect them with your advanced sensors.

  [00:15:35] Haleyy: And have we had it with all these little critters on these asteroids? I have. So that was the long walk around the barn to get snakes on a plane. I apologize.

  [00:15:48] Star Master Jeff: It's five seconds in and I've had it with these goddamn critters.

  [00:15:53] Thorne: If Captain Darcy was here, he would for sure tell me to blow those asteroids up.

  [00:15:56] Robert: It seems that there are too many for us to attack.

  [00:16:03] Haleyy: We need to go real fast. I'm good at that. I can go real fast. Go right, blow on right on by them.

  [00:16:09] Felix: Well, they don't seem to be posing any threat right now. I suggest we make our way towards the ruins in which we explore and see what kind of things we can uncover there.

  [00:16:20] Robert: Can we otherwise see if there's anything we might be able to harvest from them? I'd love to synthesize them into a poison.

  [00:16:31] Thorne: I'd love to synthesize them into space dust.

  [00:16:33] Felix: I would like to see if they need to be taken care of.

  [00:16:36] Thorne: Oh my gosh. Well, I'll take care of them.

  [00:16:40] Haleyy: No! And I'd like to see how humans behave when exposed to these creatures. Huzzah.

  [00:16:50] Robert: I'd have to agree. I'd love if they have some psychedelic properties. Isis, hold that thought. What just binged? Bing!

  [00:17:01] Star Master Jeff: Bits pushes the button on a scanner to respond to the Bing and see what's going on. You press the button on the scanner and your display lights up and you can see that you have an incoming communications request from the planet itself, from beyond these asteroids.

  [00:17:16] Haleyy: Oh. From Snowglobe 7? I accept the incoming call.

  [00:17:20] Star Master Jeff: It's a video call, but you don't have to expose your video if you don't want. No, it's on by default. It goes up on the big screen. Okay. Bloop! It goes up on the big screen. You immediately see that there is a snowman. I mean, that's probably derogatory. It's an alien being. He's on his planet, so he's not an alien. But it's a being that looks like what you back on Earth would call a snowman. And this creature opens up its mouth, which appears to be made out of little bits of coal, and says, Oh my God, I can't believe it. People actually here to help us on Snoglobo 7? What's the matter, snowman? There's so much the matter, flesh man. I can't believe you actually came to Snoglobo 7. We got these asteroids all over the place. The high of our mind is coming to take the space ruin.

  [00:18:06] Thorne: You need someone to blow them up, right?

  [00:18:08] Felix: Blow them up, not blow them up. Either way, we got to get our people to safety, man. Definitely. We want to make sure that everyone's safe.

  [00:18:16] Star Master Jeff: Oh, my God.

  [00:18:17] Felix: Is that neon serenity? Oh, my God. Yeah. I have all of your trading cards. Thank you. There's an updated edition once we're on the planet. I'll give you a new pack.

  [00:18:28] Thorne: New edition's out?

  [00:18:30] Felix: Yeah. Yeah, there's a new edition out. We had to take new pictures once we got enough pretty guardians, if you'll remember.

  [00:18:37] Star Master Jeff: The snowman interruption goes, wait a minute. Oh my God. Oh my God. Dash McCready?

  [00:18:43] Haleyy: That's me. Dash McCready of the number seven.

  [00:18:47] Star Master Jeff: Oh my God. And he's yelling God and his face is starting to melt. He's like, I'm overheating. Dash McCready and Neon Serenity in the same place on the same crew. You've got to help us. I feel so much safer now. That's what we hope for.

  [00:19:01] Haleyy: How long have these asteroids been here?

  [00:19:03] Star Master Jeff: They've been here for about seven years. One year for every number in our planet's name. That's a coincidence. Seven years? That's a long time. Yeah, and maybe for you. Fair enough.

  [00:19:15] Haleyy: I'm sorry, that felt like a dig. No, no, it's okay. We just live a lot longer. Their planet moves really fast.

  [00:19:23] Robert: Tell me about the life cycle of... Because I feel like their life cycle would be quite short.

  [00:19:30] Star Master Jeff: Well, our sun is pretty dim, so as long as we stay cold, we're pretty good. I hate being cold. Hey, you're one of the snake people.

  [00:19:38] Robert: You're like a human, but you love snakes. Deeply honored. Oh, but thank you. As a fellow person of, I don't know, snow slash snake variety, could you tell me a little bit about what...

  [00:19:59] Star Master Jeff: these asteroids are doing to your society well they're just kind of floating there but they're coming down to the space ruins making all kinds of crazy trouble i in the video cuts where'd he go and another we seem to have another incoming communication he's probably calling back must have been disconnected i turn it back on the screen

  [00:20:25] Felix: Happens all the time. The connection froze.

  [00:20:30] Star Master Jeff: A cockroach-looking creature that is enshrouded in darkness, but way back in the darkness, you can see what seems to be an infinite number of shifting forms crawling over the walls and the floor and the ceiling. Chitters at you before your translator picks up what it's saying, and it says... Hey, you come to Snowglobian 7 and you attempt to help the Snowglobians? Five. Yes, at your service.

  [00:21:01] Thorne: I dealt with your kind back on garbage can beta. That was fun. That was a good one. It was not fun. Many people died.

  [00:21:10] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, I know. And he rubs his little fucking things together, his little hands and his little antennas. Yeah. Yeah. I just remember all of the trash from that planet. I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Gross. My shell, my shell is getting hard. Sorry, I forgot I was talking to a human.

  [00:21:29] Felix: I look to Flix. Have you, as an anthropologist, have you encountered them before? What could they want? Why are they here?

  [00:21:35] Haleyy: Yes, like my people, they secrete a delicious foam under their wings that attracts a mate.

  [00:21:43] Star Master Jeff: Another cockroach from the hive armada comes up and starts licking underneath the wings of the one that's talking to him. Oh, gross. On camera? Yeah. Does that make you uncomfortable? Turn this crap off.

  [00:21:56] Felix: I fuck the camera and I hang up.

  [00:21:58] Haleyy: No, it was just getting good.

  [00:22:00] Robert: We pay extra for that.

  [00:22:05] Haleyy: I'll be honest, we've been in space for a long time. I want to go hang out with those guys.

  [00:22:10] Thorne: Now that I know it's the Hive Armada, I definitely think we need to blow these things up.

  [00:22:15] Robert: Oh, no, they seem quite fun.

  [00:22:18] Thorne: They're not fun, Isis.

  [00:22:20] Felix: I hate to remind you, Blaze, but we are not heavily armed enough to take on the Hive Armada. Damn it, Bits.

  [00:22:26] Thorne: I hate when you tell me facts.

  [00:22:29] Felix: Perhaps our best bet is to make our way down to the ruins and see what they're trying to do down there. If we can foil their plans.

  [00:22:35] Haleyy: Roaches hate foil. I assume.

  [00:22:38] Felix: Bing. Bing. Can I tell where it's coming from? The planet. I answered the call for Frosty. Don't call him that.

  [00:22:49] Star Master Jeff: So racist. The snowman reappears and he's like partially melted on his face. Oh, I'm sorry. I guess we got kind of cut off. I never even introduced myself. My name's President Frosty. I knew you were going to do that. I knew it as soon as the words came out of my mouth.

  [00:23:05] Thorne: I was like, he's going to name him Frosty now.

  [00:23:07] Star Master Jeff: Whenever you motherfuckers name someone for me, I'm taking that. I'm taking that gift. Every time I don't have to name someone, I'm taking it. Anyway, I'm President Frosty, and I guess we got interrupted by the Hive Armada. That's what they're doing. They're constantly interrupting communications, coming down and making all sorts of trouble down at the ancient space ruin, but... Communications disruption can only mean one thing.

  [00:23:28] Thorne: Invasion.

  [00:23:30] Star Master Jeff: You interrupted me. I was saying that.

  [00:23:33] Thorne: Does that mean we're invading them? We are now.

  [00:23:35] Haleyy: Dash it in.

  [00:23:36] Star Master Jeff: No, wait. We're already getting invaded. No, no, one invasion at a time. But we have another position open in the counter-invasion where you can stop this shit from happening.

  [00:23:49] Robert: We counter-invade by invading you also. See, there...

  [00:23:55] Felix: No? Yeah. Let's get down to those ruins and invade. I mean, stop. Well, hold on.

  [00:24:04] Star Master Jeff: I know how to stop them.

  [00:24:06] Thorne: Oh, wait. Tell us.

  [00:24:08] Star Master Jeff: Well, so there's, like, these people that are out on Snowglobian 5, and they could probably break the blockade for old President Frosty. People? Well...

  [00:24:22] Thorne: Go on.

  [00:24:26] Robert: Eh. Yeah. What?

  [00:24:29] Thorne: So you want us to take a message to Snowglobia 5 for you? Are they fellow... Rusties?

  [00:24:36] Star Master Jeff: No. No, they aren't. I think it's best if you just find out as a surprise.

  [00:24:42] Robert: For the plot. I feel like that would be not the best way to find out what they are.

  [00:24:48] Star Master Jeff: yeah and he's kind of like walking his fingers across his desk like yeah does he have a stick for an arm yeah he does he's walking his stick fingers across he's like yeah um he starts like rubbing a finger in a circle and he's like the gm didn't make up those people yet so he needs you to travel over there so he has like 30 more seconds to think but when you get there there's gonna be people there maybe or they're not gonna be people it's not gonna take us 30 seconds with dash

  [00:25:15] Haleyy: Oh no, I bet you're thinking 15 seconds ago. I've already started going 10 seconds ago.

  [00:25:22] Star Master Jeff: Dash zooms away from Snowglobo7, immediately cutting the transmission since now you guys are too far away for the short range transmission. And within, go ahead and roll your lasers, Dash. Yeah, I am a pilot, so I would probably roll two dice for that.

  [00:25:40] Haleyy: Yes. All right.

  [00:25:42] Star Master Jeff: uh and that will tell me how long i have to think two and a six so i rolled uh above my four okay so that doesn't give me any time to think so you show up at snow globia five which i just called snow globe five but then brian called snow globia five because that is now the name now i think he said snow globo as well one time it's no globo seven i like i like a globo gym aka snow globo Yeah, Snowglobo Jim. And thank you, Doja, by the way. So you guys pull up to Snowglobia 5, and there's a bunch of communication satellites, and there's obviously a really successful civilization down there. And it's almost like a wall-to-wall concrete jungle. And a ship that's up in the communications array area orbiting immediately pings you. Pop it on.

  [00:26:33] Felix: Answer. Back on the big screen.

  [00:26:35] Robert: Bits, you're our communications guy. Get on this, please.

  [00:26:40] Star Master Jeff: You're the phone guy. Yeah, you're the phone guy.

  [00:26:44] Haleyy: I don't have much data. All right.

  [00:26:47] Star Master Jeff: Hello? Immediately on the screen is a really huge, like, buff ice monster looking guy. He's like, Snowglobo Gem 5.

  [00:26:57] Haleyy: Um, hey. Hi. What's up, my brother? I don't know if you're aware, but your friends over on Snowglobo7 are hanging out with some cool roaches. Nice. Not cool roaches. They're not cool. Well, they're cooler than the snowmen. Nice. Fucking nerds. Exactly.

  [00:27:19] Star Master Jeff: We hate those guys on Snowglobo7. Wait, you don't like President Frosty? Dude, dude wears glasses, literally has stick for arms. Have you seen these pythons?

  [00:27:29] Haleyy: I see. There must have been some magic in that old Bowflex he found.

  [00:27:35] Star Master Jeff: Not enough magic. The guy's a fucking nerd.

  [00:27:37] Haleyy: Anyway, do you want to buy a membership to Snowglobo Gym? Not particularly. Is it really hard to cancel? It's really hard to cancel. Yeah.

  [00:27:44] Robert: Yeah. Really hard. It's hard to those pythons, though.

  [00:27:51] Thorne: Listen, what should we call you? Ice man. That's it. That's my name. Good guess. Listen here. President Frosty desperately needs your help. The people of Snowglobia... Snowglobo 7 back there are being invaded by the Hive Armada. Haven't you heard of them? If they get onto Snowglobia 7, this whole solar system could be in danger. That's crazy. Wait, the whole solar system?

  [00:28:20] Star Master Jeff: Sorry, that was sarcasm.

  [00:28:23] Robert: The whole solar system.

  [00:28:26] Felix: Our intel tells us that the alien ruins there will cause a collapse of the entire solar system.

  [00:28:33] Star Master Jeff: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is that Flick's anchovy? speaking wow i'm a really big fan of your treaties on alien dialogue you've been studying humans for a while fucking nerds i love chapter three in your book entitled why don't they just get along yes it's uh because of their genitals yeah right Oh man, you get a free membership to slow. Okay, I'm typing it in Flix and Chovy. Is that what two? I don't know. I don't even know how to spell. I don't know what I'm doing here. Let me get someone who knows how to spell.

  [00:29:11] Haleyy: Just put XOXO.

  [00:29:12] Star Master Jeff: XOXO. And I'll know it's you. I don't know which one the X's or the O's are even actually. It's a human custom. He just pulls out like a tape recorder and he's just like, Flix Anchovy has a membership now. And then he just puts it off to the side. We've got it. It's in the system. Yeah, let's get you buffed, brother. Leave the rest of these nerds behind.

  [00:29:31] Haleyy: I feel like I understand humans now. I've achieved my goals. And now I'm going to go get swole. Go get ripped.

  [00:29:36] Felix: Yeah, brother. But Flix, we need you. You might be able to help us decipher the mysteries of the alien artifact base.

  [00:29:45] Haleyy: Or I might be able to get swole and help in swole ways.

  [00:29:48] Felix: But if we save the solar system, you can return and get swole.

  [00:29:54] Haleyy: We've saved a lot of solar systems at this point.

  [00:29:56] Thorne: Well, but then the stuff that Captain Darcy did sort of canceled it out. He blew up a bunch of solar systems.

  [00:30:02] Star Master Jeff: Wait a minute, you're on Captain Darcy's ship? No, no, no, no.

  [00:30:06] Robert: Why did you have to mention that? That's not going to work out for us, damn you, please.

  [00:30:11] Star Master Jeff: More like a ride share. Wait, I'm getting mixed signals here. Are you on the Raptor? Yes.

  [00:30:19] Robert: It is a ship. It's been called that it's also been called the Rapture?

  [00:30:26] Star Master Jeff: oh yeah i kept hearing the gm say the rapture uh it's like when you look up seventh star it's just a bunch of bible verses well if you're on the raptor and you got that grim reputation that i've heard about yeah i know this isn't like what the game was inferring but that fucking rocks

  [00:30:48] Robert: This is what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I have some combat stimulants that you might be interested in because I saw those pythons and impressed.

  [00:31:07] Star Master Jeff: Roll your feelings.

  [00:31:09] Robert: Oh, now you're done.

  [00:31:11] Star Master Jeff: Now you're done. That's right. You gave yourself a two, right?

  [00:31:14] Robert: I did. What are we doing? Are we doing the memes channel?

  [00:31:17] Thorne: Do whatever you want. Yeah, roll wherever and then report. Roll it on your desk with a real guy, take a Polaroid of it, and mail it to us. He'll do it. I know.

  [00:31:28] Felix: That's how President Frosty is going to be sending us messages now.

  [00:31:32] Robert: Is it 1D6 or 2? Because am I an expert in this? What is your situation again? So I'm good at the drugs, not so good at the chatter. So this is just a straight 1d6.

  [00:31:49] Star Master Jeff: So higher is, so you rolled over two. You rolled a four. Iceman says, hey, battle stims? It was like five minutes ago. Is that what you said? I don't remember anymore.

  [00:31:59] Robert: Yes, I have some. Let me tell you, it will make your skin crawl better than any pre-workout you've ever tried before.

  [00:32:10] Haleyy: Oh, my God.

  [00:32:12] Star Master Jeff: Okay.

  [00:32:12] Haleyy: I'm interested. What do you want? It's called Tiger Blood Kratom. Oh, my God. Is it really?

  [00:32:17] Robert: That's fucking sick. I need that. Whatever the price, I need it. The cost is your help versus the Hive Armada. And I'm going to warn you, it may involve you being nice to President Frosty.

  [00:32:38] Star Master Jeff: no, deal's off, fuck that. Guy's a nerd, I'll pound that nerd.

  [00:32:42] Thorne: What if you beat him up after we save the solar system? I can't wait. What if you beat him up before we work together?

  [00:32:50] Haleyy: Yeah, what if we take you there, you get a quick beating session on him, then we save the solar system. Yeah. Can you get it down to like a tight five?

  [00:33:01] Star Master Jeff: Tell you what, the drugs are opening a door that was previously closed, but I'm not going to help you just yet. And I am the manager of this gym. So I am the one you have to speak to. Head on over to Snowglobin3 and talk to the people there. They have a... They canceled their membership, but we don't cancel memberships. They owe us over three centuries of dues for everyone on their planet. So get those dues. Broker some sort of agreement. Come back, give me the battle stim. And then I'll go give that guy a big noogie, punch him in the balls and help you.

  [00:33:36] Robert: If we say Iceman sent us, will that help or hurt our cause?

  [00:33:45] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, they don't like me. I think I actually have a couple like, yeah, they don't. If I go there, they will arrest me. Let's put it that way.

  [00:33:52] Haleyy: They will arrest me. You're too hard on yourself. I'm made of ice. Iceman, you're hard on.

  [00:34:02] Star Master Jeff: My boy just said hard on.

  [00:34:04] Haleyy: It's been done on purpose to delight the humans.

  [00:34:07] Felix: He's all in on the puns. It is fetch quest city tonight. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Dash.

  [00:34:15] Star Master Jeff: All right. I'll punch it. Okay, we're going to mix it up at the next planet. Dash, I don't believe you. You don't believe me? You show up with Snow Globe in 3 and all of a sudden, Dash, you begin to lose control of your ship because of crazy magnetism shit that's happening near this planet. Go ahead and roll your lasers.

  [00:34:38] Haleyy: I knew we should have refused the call.

  [00:34:39] Star Master Jeff: And you can roll 2d6.

  [00:34:42] Haleyy: I got a six and a five. What's your number? I've got a four. So I did roll above for lasers.

  [00:34:50] Star Master Jeff: But you have to roll below for lasers. Oh, no. You roll below for both of your dice and your ship. crashes through the thick white atmosphere of yet another snow globe planet you smash through the glass of the snow globe you were not aware that these were encased in glass and you land on the icy planet which you would imagine is like a barren wasteland but is actually covered in like frosty spires and like houses like in igloos and like gingerbread houses but they're made of like they're super heavily frosted

  [00:35:27] Haleyy: All over again.

  [00:35:30] Star Master Jeff: As you crash and you slide along the snow and come into a stop, everyone comes out of their tiny houses and crowd around you. In the distance, a winding path leads up a spire-like mountain to an icy castle on top. People are crowding around, poking at the raptor. They all look like

  [00:35:56] Haleyy: They represent the Lollipop Guild?

  [00:35:59] Star Master Jeff: Yeah. They all look like... What am I going to... Come on, guys. What are they? They were gingerbread men. Portuguese. They're Bulgarians. They're from Iceland. Yeah, they're all Bjork. So you have a bunch of Bjork-looking gingerbread people out there all poking at your ship going, yeah, this is weird, yeah? It's like frosted crunch on my tongue.

  [00:36:24] Haleyy: I don't think I crashed the ship at all.

  [00:36:26] Felix: I certainly did not crash the ship.

  [00:36:28] Haleyy: No, there was magnetism. Dang it, Dash, you beefed it again. This is just like the Galactic Grand Prix.

  [00:36:36] Thorne: Hey, anything you walk away from, am I right? Everybody can still walk, right?

  [00:36:41] Felix: Yes, I appear to be undamaged. So Bits is not happy about them all poking and prodding at the ship that he worked so hard to take care of. So I take a big laser Gatling gun off the wall and I begin walking out the ship to get them away from the ship.

  [00:36:56] Star Master Jeff: Hey, that's mine. The door slides open and the ramp unfurls like a tongue onto the ground below. Weird, weird trait for our ship. Yep. Yeah, this is the tongue of your spaceship, as they say. So you walk down the ramp and there's a group of beautiful Icelandic gingerbread people. And they all gasp and back away from you as you as you wield your laser Gatling gun. I said, please disperse immediately.

  [00:37:22] Felix: And I fire a warning shot in the air. Oh my gosh, no, no, it's fine. They're not violent.

  [00:37:29] Star Master Jeff: But the ship, we must keep her secure.

  [00:37:32] Felix: The ship is fine.

  [00:37:33] Star Master Jeff: They start whispering to each other. They're whispering.

  [00:37:38] Haleyy: Um, yub nub. Yub nub. Use your community power to repair our ship. Meanwhile, though, I do want to talk to the party and point out that I don't think a bunch of Bjorks are going to the gym. explains why they didn't pay their dues. I think Iceman's up to something.

  [00:37:58] Felix: But he also said it was, like, centuries ago.

  [00:38:01] Haleyy: Look, I trust the Iceman implicitly, obviously, but I think he's lying.

  [00:38:06] Felix: No, the Iceman was awful. I...

  [00:38:13] Haleyy: I believe him. I just think he's lying. It could be the Iceman made it very difficult to cancel the dues. He said it was illegal to cancel the dues.

  [00:38:23] Star Master Jeff: Oh, that would do it. The lifetime membership. A representative from the group of gingerbread Icelandic people comes forward holding a piece of cloth with something underneath it and comes up and says, Yes, the silvery crunch of a cloud upon my wonderful eyes. And they go up to Bits, and they pull off the cloth, revealing a book. And embossed on the cover is a very almost exact likeness of Bits holding up something that looks like a Gatling gun. The rays of God shining down upon him. Fascinating. Oh my god, Bits! Bits, is that your autobiography? I hand the gun to Blaze. Yeah, thanks. And I take the book. They all kind of rush forward and hoist you up on their shoulders. and start carrying you away, Bits. Yes! He came, and he is silvery and sweet on the tongue. Oh, are they? I hope they're not licking me.

  [00:39:20] Thorne: I look back at the rest of the crew. Have you guys ever tasted Bits? All their tongues are freezing to him.

  [00:39:26] Felix: Oh, my God. All their tongues are freezing. Yeah. I'm just, like, mildly, like, bemused. We need to get him back, guys. We have to go after him.

  [00:39:35] Thorne: Licks, what kind of weird custom is this?

  [00:39:39] Star Master Jeff: Can't be. He might death by snoo snoo them if they try. Yeah.

  [00:39:45] Haleyy: We have to find a way to get them to use their whimsy as a weapon to fight a guerrilla war, a brutal guerrilla war against the roaches. I mean, I like the odds. I've seen it a million times.

  [00:40:00] Star Master Jeff: bits they bring you to one of their a larger one of their ice huts and it seems to be like a small church and here there's all kinds of iconography that it looks a lot like you um like maybe like a proto bits and they show you the different like illustrations on the wall and it seems that they had previously in the olden times been at war with the gorillas So they engaged in a lot of guerrilla warfare back in the day. Don't. And they were... They were taken over by the gorillas. And the king gorilla of this area is who lives in that ice palace. But one day, a feisty robot with a Gatling gun is going to show up and liberate them from the gorillas and their senseless war. It's all making sense now. Oh, shit.

  [00:40:55] Felix: The gorillas were the ones who signed up for the membership.

  [00:40:58] Haleyy: Also, gorillas are swole. Yeah, they're right. I can't help but wonder who owes the payment. It was definitely the gorillas that got the gym membership. Yeah, there you go.

  [00:41:08] Star Master Jeff: Is anyone getting the sense that this is like 10 adventures in one adventure?

  [00:41:13] Thorne: That's what makes it a triple crossover.

  [00:41:15] Star Master Jeff: That's what it means. There's too many references.

  [00:41:19] Haleyy: It's like Skyrim where you just, you run through Whiterun, you get all the quests at the same time, and then you, whatever's closest.

  [00:41:25] Star Master Jeff: And then you're going to just go do them all, yeah. Yeah. And you all kind of come into the cathedral after while he's learning this, and you see all of this unfolding as you're talking about guerrilla warfare yourselves, and you're like, oh, that's strange.

  [00:41:37] Thorne: It seems like you're some kind of savior or messiah or something. It would appear to be the case. See if you can demand a tie.

  [00:41:44] Felix: Well, are there any outground paintings of the gorillas specifically? Is there any, like, treasure symbology or, like, you know, paintings of giant mountains of gold?

  [00:41:55] Star Master Jeff: So you don't see anything on the walls, but when you start to flip through the book, you see that the gorillas at the start of the Gorilla War were actually losing to the Bjorks. However, then they got a membership to the Globo Gym, the Snow Globo Gym, and they got swole as fuck. And then they absolutely dominated the rest of the guerrilla war. They upset the natural order.

  [00:42:16] Haleyy: Bjorks are supposed to dominate guerrillas.

  [00:42:18] Star Master Jeff: Everyone knows that. Yeah, Bjorks should have won that war. There's like illustrations of like the guerrillas opposite the war, training for the war, like doing pull downs and like doing like rows. That's how they got swole and that's how they defeated the Bjorks. And one of the Bjorks comes up to Flix, who is the most normal looking to them. Yes. The Bjorks. And hands you what looks like snow, but is soft like bread. And a glass of water that is like one tenth of a degree off from being frozen. And says, the pop rocks tickle my armpits. And walk away.

  [00:43:01] Haleyy: And also to you. I pour the snow in my upside down nose. Nice. And then chase it with the water. Nice.

  [00:43:14] Star Master Jeff: It is refreshing, but because of your anatomy, not too cold. Love that. They applaud. Apparently you've done something that's very brave and they applaud to you. And then you see some of the children take some of that and try to put it into their noses and start hacking and coughing and laughing as a blue-green rash spreads across their face and their parents kind of freak out and take them out of the cathedral. Yeah.

  [00:43:35] Haleyy: You just killed those kids. Peer pressure. You'll get there one day, young ones.

  [00:43:40] Star Master Jeff: You forgot to say kids don't try this at home. The main viewer looks at you bits and points at the illustration and then points up at the castle and says, slashing through air, it feels good. Say, feels.

  [00:43:56] Felix: I wonder if it does. And then I look at Neon. I look at Neon Serenity and I say, Neon. Is there a badge for liberating unoppressed people? Yes. I think it falls under the Neptune badge catalog grouping. Then I say we go earn that badge. I think we should. And as I've earned my pretty guardian rank, I can actually get you all badges. Oh, I don't want them for me. Thank you. Oh, no, no, it's a gift from, you know, Cosmic Scouts Association. But we have to liberate them first.

  [00:44:35] Robert: Of course. Well, then let's Neptune this hive mind up.

  [00:44:40] Haleyy: Gorillas first. Do you have any instant muscle drugs? Or drugs that cause us to be delusional that we have instant muscles?

  [00:44:48] Robert: I have many combat stimulants.

  [00:44:53] Haleyy: Well, dealer's choice.

  [00:44:54] Star Master Jeff: Guess they're all getting juiced up and leading the way.

  [00:44:57] Haleyy: Yeah, I gotta go get my other gun. Can we do a montage?

  [00:45:00] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, does everyone take a combat stim? I mean, I can't. Except for the robot.

  [00:45:04] Thorne: I totally do, yeah. Yeah, Dash will do it. Standard issue.

  [00:45:08] Star Master Jeff: Everyone that takes a combat stim, you now have for the next half of a day, you have plus one to your die.

  [00:45:20] Felix: Well, now that all of you meatbags have taken your drugs, I think it is time to go liberate these fine people, get the treasure, and pay off the debt. And I rev up the laser minigun that I took from Blaze again.

  [00:45:35] Thorne: Yeah, I throw it back to you because it's in the picture. You have to have it. Yeah, I have to have it. It's fulfilling prophecy. Luckily, I have a second one. And I run into the ship and I grab all my gear, my backpack full of explosives and my minigun.

  [00:45:48] Star Master Jeff: I hate to throw like a wrench in things, but when you go and you look in your backpack, you had a sandwich in there and now it's gone. What do you mean it's gone?

  [00:45:57] Thorne: I'm just saying. Bits, did you eat my sandwich? I eat? Blaze. Yeah, don't play that game with me. I've seen you crumple up food and stuff it inside your vents and call it eating. And did you do that with my sandwich? I would never. Not your sandwich, Blaze. Look, look at my vents if you want and I bend over. All right, stop that.

  [00:46:17] Star Master Jeff: Real quick, Dash, as you're hearing this, you reach into your pocket and you feel an egg salad sandwich that you did not steal.

  [00:46:25] Haleyy: I keep it in my pocket and I tear off a little bit of it and try and sneak a corner. Oh, shit. So you're just leaning into it. I was like, well, it's here. I guess it's because of the drugs.

  [00:46:36] Star Master Jeff: It's because of the drugs. And then you all so you've all geared up. Everyone has their equipment except for Blaze. One egg salad sandwich has transferred hands. He it was unbeknownst to him, but it is now beknownst to him. But he does not know that it is Dash that has it. And Dash does not know how he came to get the egg salad sandwich. And you've all geared up. And what's the plan? Are you making your way to the ice castle of the guerrilla warfare? Darn tootin. Yep.

  [00:47:05] Haleyy: Let's blast some gorillas.

  [00:47:06] Felix: It might be the Crystal Palace.

  [00:47:08] Haleyy: Definitely. My expertise is in Homo sapiens, not gorillas, but I predict that a gatling laser will have much the same effect on a gorilla as it does on a human.

  [00:47:19] Felix: It is one of those weapons, yes.

  [00:47:21] Thorne: You're saying that you think that it will discourage them from mating.

  [00:47:24] Haleyy: I don't know if I need to make a lasers check to know that for sure. Yeah.

  [00:47:29] Star Master Jeff: Go ahead and make a lasers check just so you can kind of like tell everyone bullets and lasers effect on the presumed gorilla. Yeah, I don't want to get it.

  [00:47:38] Haleyy: I don't want to be getting fake news here. I won.

  [00:47:43] Star Master Jeff: Oh, you did really, really well. So make up anything you want about gorillas.

  [00:47:47] Haleyy: Guys, gorillas are allergic to lasers big time.

  [00:47:51] Star Master Jeff: Oh, fuck.

  [00:47:53] Thorne: I knew it.

  [00:47:54] Robert: I've heard that.

  [00:47:56] Thorne: A buddy of mine was stationed on Gorillaron 19, and he said that the lasers made them break out in hives.

  [00:48:03] Robert: I heard that the lasers melt their faces.

  [00:48:07] Thorne: Wait, or was it that the hives there got invaded by gorillas? I kind of forget.

  [00:48:12] Star Master Jeff: You all are, like, walking away, and as you're walking away, the bjorks are waving at you. And one says, Cosmic tears, they taste good in my ears. Mm-hmm. I love that one. And you walk off. Yeah. These are all just like, I'm just throwing out fucking, I don't even know what I'm going to say. You're kind of creeping me out. I'm a jam poet now.

  [00:48:31] Haleyy: It's really hard to say random words and not land on some Bjork lyrics, so I think you're

  [00:48:36] Star Master Jeff: I think it's easier than I thought it would be. I was kind of worried when I made them all Bjorts. I was like, oh, fuck. And you trudge to the bottom of the icy spire mountain with an icy castle with many icy spires on top of it. And it's going to take you probably about an hour to climb up this winding path. It's very slippery and they didn't put down any cat litter on it. So it's very difficult to climb.

  [00:49:00] Haleyy: How long would it take to melt through the entire bottom of it with a laser?

  [00:49:04] Star Master Jeff: The entire mountain? Yeah. Six?

  [00:49:09] Haleyy: It would take six.

  [00:49:09] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, six or so.

  [00:49:11] Haleyy: I don't know if we have that kind of time.

  [00:49:14] Star Master Jeff: I don't think we do.

  [00:49:16] Felix: You'd be really cutting it close. I tell you what I'll do. I'll walk in the lead of the pack and I'll stomp a little extra hard with my robot feet to kind of crumble up the ice a bit to give some more traction.

  [00:49:26] Star Master Jeff: You can slip too.

  [00:49:29] Felix: I'm stomping. I'm like crushing through the ice with my metal legs.

  [00:49:33] Thorne: Now it's in his backstory that he's immune to ice. Oh shit, is it? Roll lasers then.

  [00:49:37] Star Master Jeff: Do it then. Roll lasers. Do it. You are a android engineer. Yep. So I'm only giving you one die. I'm trying to make the ice more doable for everybody. Nobody wants to do ice.

  [00:49:53] Haleyy: Also, just going off robots today, falling down is like the one thing they're good at. Listen, listen, listen. It's the one thing we've successfully taught them how to do.

  [00:50:01] Star Master Jeff: These new robots are freaky, okay? Two. I got a two. So you beat it because your number's four, right? Correct. Okay. So you stomp your feet and you go, whoa. You don't make that noise because you're a robot. Or maybe you do. I don't know. It's your fucking character. He plays, whoa, not wave. whoa whoa whoa you stomp your feet kind of making stairs for people it would take you about an hour to get to the top if you go and do that this way it'll take you two hours but no one is that in danger of slipping so is that what you wish to do and you have six hours of battle stim i'm stepping behind you bits

  [00:50:41] Haleyy: Just have the robot go up and make the stairs and then we'll hang out at the bottom.

  [00:50:44] Star Master Jeff: And then they'll run up after me. And I think it's important to note that everyone that's on a battle stem is grinding their teeth and like really hopped up.

  [00:50:53] Thorne: I'm really itching to blow something up, Bits. Are we almost there? Because I really want to blow something up.

  [00:50:59] Felix: He's ready to bust. If you want to risk slipping, Blaze, be my guest. Charge on ahead. And I step to the side after we've gone up like 100 feet of me crunching the ice like this.

  [00:51:10] Haleyy: I know a lot about humans on drugs and stimulants, so I give him a sock drawer to rearrange.

  [00:51:16] Star Master Jeff: I love how these socks are so disorganized bits. Otherwise, I'd be charging right on ahead. It's like a mini one. It's like a keychain sized one. And all of the rolled up socks are like, well, they're not rolled up yet. It's just a bunch of random socks in like a six by six.

  [00:51:30] Thorne: Wait, this one doesn't even have a pair. There's three of this one. Oh, no, this one goes. Never mind. I got it. I got it.

  [00:51:36] Star Master Jeff: And you can see on the keychain is all kinds of things. It's also like a little dryer. So there's probably socks lost in there as well.

  [00:51:41] Thorne: You've successfully distracted me with a sock drawer fidget toy. Congratulations.

  [00:51:45] Haleyy: Hey, if you find a secret sock in there, just leave it alone. That's not that's not supposed to be part of it.

  [00:51:50] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, why is it the only tube sock? Oh, that's mine. After Blaze doesn't run past me, I keep doing what I'm doing because it's in my programming. And Blaze distractedly marches behind you, and you make it all the way in two hours up to the top of the icy spire. And at the top, there are two guerrilla warfare gorillas with guerrilla warfare armor and guerrilla warfare laser spears. They're allergic to those. But they're not touching them. And technically, everyone's allergic to getting stabbed with a spear. I guess, maybe. Not me. They're holding the laser spears. And when one of them kind of moves it next to his face, a little too close, he goes, and then he pulls it away. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm allergic. That was close. Face almost melted. I don't know. Why do we use these things? And he takes out his EpiPen, like waiting for a reaction, then puts it away.

  [00:52:42] Thorne: They all have EpiPens just around their neck, just in case. Yeah.

  [00:52:45] Star Master Jeff: They've all got EpiPens and a bandolier around their chest, and then they all have life alert monitors hanging around their necks.

  [00:52:50] Thorne: Very fashionable bandoliers.

  [00:52:52] Star Master Jeff: Yep. And you have a nice bandolier, too.

  [00:52:54] Thorne: Yeah, it doesn't have EpiPens in it, but it does have ammo and some explosives.

  [00:53:00] Felix: I hope they didn't spend all their treasure money on EpiPens because those things are expensive.

  [00:53:04] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, they can no longer afford anything. So anyway, you come up to the gate of this large ice castle. It's weirdly medieval, except for the gorillons with their ice spears and their laser ice spears, rather. And they just kind of look at you. They don't say anything. You guys all march right up to them. Tell them bits. Did you say just kill them, Stan? No, I said I just kind of look at them. Oh, you're like, just kill them.

  [00:53:30] Felix: fucking looking at me i'm fucking looking at you i get back what i get they're just standing there peacefully kill them but seriously do kill them though so i stand in front of them and i strike the pose that the the robot had on the cover of the book as i remember it um and i say in my best imitation of a heroic human voice we are here to defeat your leader they look at each other they look back at you

  [00:54:00] Star Master Jeff: Then they just bust out laughing.

  [00:54:09] Felix: No, it's not funny, you guys. He's serious.

  [00:54:14] Haleyy: Gorilla comedy is like years behind. Yeah. I laser blast them.

  [00:54:19] Felix: Holy fuck. Do you really? Yeah. That was like the first view and I felt was humiliation to be laughed at. So I laser blast them. Straight bits.

  [00:54:30] Star Master Jeff: Go ahead and roll your lasers to shoot at one of them with your Gatling gun. But before you do, I need you to say a badass line. So if you fail, it looks really embarrassing.

  [00:54:39] Felix: Okay. Let's see. Oh, I can't think of one now.

  [00:54:43] Star Master Jeff: I heard you were allergic to lasers. No, I'm not going to say your line. You're like, don't help me. Don't help me. I can do it. I got it.

  [00:54:53] Haleyy: The shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-E-S.

  [00:54:58] Star Master Jeff: I'll just say... Gatling to me.

  [00:55:00] Thorne: I'm not monkeying around.

  [00:55:01] Star Master Jeff: Oh, these are all so good. What's yours, Scott? I said, take a look at this gun. It's real appealing. And then I blast him. Like a banana could be peeled. And they're like confused because they live on an ice planet. They just kind of look like gorillas. Yeah.

  [00:55:18] Thorne: they don't have bananas they're not actually gorillas um yeah all right so roll yeah is there any way that like since we're you know both standing with these big laser guns in front that i could like help we both shoot at the same time and i could do like a help action i think it's fair to say that everyone is shocked at the at what's happening right now even the guys on combat drugs

  [00:55:42] Star Master Jeff: they're ready to go but even they're like calm down dude they're just standing there so bits you roll 1d6 because you're an android engineer you don't have any sort of like battle savvy yeah to four oh that's exactly your number laser feelings If you roll your number exactly, you have laser feelings. You get a special insight into what's going on. Ask the GM, that's me, a question, and they'll answer you honestly. I can't wait to hear this. Dear GM.

  [00:56:12] Felix: Dear GM. That's me. Are these gorillas actually the bad guys?

  [00:56:19] Star Master Jeff: I mean, that's very subjective.

  [00:56:22] Thorne: Way to ask a subjective question.

  [00:56:24] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, from the point of view of the subjugated Bjork people, yeah, they ain't great. And so they've instituted what I like to call a guerrilla monarchy, which is like, and the Bjorks are like the serfs, or I like to call them the Bjork serfs.

  [00:56:40] Haleyy: And yet from the perspective of most people outside of this situation, we're the bad guys.

  [00:56:45] Felix: Yes, you are definitely the most evil people. Listen, but the gorilla monarchy brings in so much tourism and it supports the economy. It's true. What, you're pro-gorilla now? No, I'm not.

  [00:56:58] Star Master Jeff: I'm anti-monarchy. Those pro-gorilla sentiments. Okay, so that's your answer to your question. They are evil to the Bjorks. That does not change my action. so I believe I roll again. You do roll again. Please don't roll another four. Actually, roll another four. Do it, bitch.

  [00:57:16] Felix: I rolled a one.

  [00:57:17] Star Master Jeff: That gorilla's toast. That's really good. Describe what happens with your Gatling gun and the flesh of the gorilla, keeping in mind that Flix Anchovy recently told you about what a laser does to gorillas.

  [00:57:30] Felix: Yeah, so I let loose with the Gatling gun. I say that line, like, look at this gun. It's so appealing. And it's got more of a kick to it than I thought. So I start kind of low and then it just goes straight up the gorilla's body and every place the laser hits. Not just like a regular laser hit. It also gets really inflamed really quickly. It begins to almost boil away from from the gorilla until it just works its way all the way up its body. And there's this roll row of like or column of like holes that are just oozing. And then they all kind of pop at once and he gets split in half. Holy fuck.

  [00:58:11] Star Master Jeff: Okay, with a big juicy squirt, the guerrilla warfare creature, the guerrilla warfare guerrilla, splits in half as the pustules explode, bathing his friend in, I don't know, pink blood. The guerrilla next to him says, James? And he goes over to James and he cradles half his head. He says, he just became a father.

  [00:58:39] Thorne: No, he just became space dust.

  [00:58:42] Star Master Jeff: This is where Jeff likes to humanize the guys that we kill.

  [00:58:44] Thorne: Yeah, this is a recurring theme.

  [00:58:48] Star Master Jeff: Make us feel bad. It's not a theme. This is a real living world. These things have sex and they have babies. We don't feel bad. It doesn't work.

  [00:58:56] Thorne: You never feel bad. I feel nothing. And then you blame us for being serial killers. You know, it's like, I only say that Stephanie is a serial killer and she is.

  [00:59:03] Felix: I am not a serial killer.

  [00:59:05] Star Master Jeff: That's exactly what a serial killer would say.

  [00:59:07] Felix: And if the society wanted to be able to take care of their children for situations like this where, yeah, the guy's standing guard, there should be hazard pay involved, likely life insurance. And if that kid is being left out to dry as a result of, you know, our perfectly legal actions, then maybe the government should be toppled.

  [00:59:27] Robert: So what you're telling me is that it is his problem for being murdered.

  [00:59:33] Haleyy: Yeah.

  [00:59:33] Robert: Yes.

  [00:59:33] Thorne: It sounds like victim blaming to me.

  [00:59:37] Haleyy: Imagine the ecological damage that these swole gorillas have done when they've left their natural place in the food chain.

  [00:59:45] Felix: This planet wasn't always just ice.

  [00:59:47] Haleyy: It was. No, it wasn't. No, it used to be Bjorks eating gorillas and also gorillas getting killed by lasers, obviously.

  [00:59:54] Star Master Jeff: Well, first of all, finger snaps to Steph, I 100% agree. But also, this is a gorilla monarchy, or thank you, Stan, swole-rilla monarchy. I've been looking for a good name for them. So this guy just split in half. His poor child that was just born into guerrilla culture is now learning the hard way what it's going to be like. The guy cradling the guerrilla cradling James's half a head looks up at bits and says, what have you done, you monster?

  [01:00:26] Felix: Judgy. We're here. We're here to liberate the people. Now take us to your leader. Well, I would have done that.

  [01:00:35] Star Master Jeff: I wouldn't. I mean, you laughed at us first. That's literally his job. Yeah, but you're like stupid looking. I'm sorry. I'll take you to my leader.

  [01:00:44] Robert: You kill him? Yeah.

  [01:00:49] Star Master Jeff: Okay, this time, this time everyone's ready for it. So Bits goes to raise his Gatling gun. But does anyone else want to do anything first? I'm starting to learn why we have a grim reputation. Yeah, no shit. It's supposed to be because of Captain Darcy, but it's apparently because of bits.

  [01:01:03] Thorne: Well, Captain Darcy built bits. That's the problem. He's like some kind of Terminator.

  [01:01:08] Felix: I wasn't expecting this twist for me. But when I saw myself, like, as the liberator of these people, it went to my head. And you're like, I could murder.

  [01:01:20] Star Master Jeff: Okay, well, he's raising his Gatling gun.

  [01:01:25] Felix: It's all in the pursuit of justice, Bits. You're good. Keep going.

  [01:01:29] Star Master Jeff: You say that as he's slowly raising his Gatling gun. You're like, get him.

  [01:01:33] Felix: I do also want to place a trading card pack into the dead girl's costume and like maybe with a note on it that says or his kid.

  [01:01:46] Robert: Like the ultimate confession note.

  [01:01:49] Star Master Jeff: Okay, now Stephanie, that's serial killer shit. This is why I keep saying you're a serial killer.

  [01:01:55] Felix: The reasoning for this.

  [01:01:56] Star Master Jeff: We murdered him. We murdered this man. You know what? I've got to look after his kids. I'm going to put some trading cards in his pocket with a vaguely threatening message. I hate to tell you, if we take down this government, that kid doesn't have a bright future. Okay, enough of bits. I want to hear what Dash McCready's doing.

  [01:02:13] Haleyy: He is signing the sandwich and putting it on the body next to the trading card.

  [01:02:19] Star Master Jeff: What the fuck? Okay, I want to know what Isith of Scythis Tor is doing.

  [01:02:23] Robert: yes so i'm leaving um a mystery potion uh alongside the trading card pack is it healing gorilla is still alive what are you doing poison who will know maybe someone will try it it's like when you're overburdened in an rpg and you kill something and then you just start putting everything into their inventory and you're like i'll come back to this body later

  [01:02:51] Star Master Jeff: Okay, I want to know what Flix is doing then, as Bits is slowly raising his Gatling gun, still, in slow-mo.

  [01:02:58] Haleyy: Oh, to kill the other gorilla? Uh, Flix is like, um, yes, succumb to your human hatred.

  [01:03:06] Star Master Jeff: And lastly, Blaze, what are you doing? Well, the Gatling gun is almost ready, it's being leveled.

  [01:03:12] Thorne: I was just saying to the one remaining Sworilla that he should watch his mouth, lest my robot friend spool up his minigun again in a threatening manner. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll watch my mouth then.

  [01:03:24] Star Master Jeff: Okay, Scott, what are you going to do?

  [01:03:27] Felix: He says, I mean, I'm getting a lot of mixed messages here. I mean, Flix is telling me to do it. Blaze is telling me if he watches his mouth, he won't do it. Oh, no, I accidentally rolled the dice. I'll tell you. Five people in the party.

  [01:03:40] Star Master Jeff: Well, four people in the party basically told you to go ahead and do it or condoned it in some way. Yep. You're starting to do it, and Blaze said, maybe there's an out. Yeah. So he was kind of okay with it. But I rolled a two. At a four, right? Okay, so you beat it, and then you... You know, you're the one shooting, but I want to hear Isith, who's currently next to who you're about to eviscerate, and he's putting a random alchemical potion on the body of this dead gorilla. The laser fire rockets past you, Isith, and I need you to tell me from your perspective what happens to this thing.

  [01:04:19] Robert: As I lean into and put a small vial into the pockets of this swole rilla, the one next to me pops like a zit. And I am covered. Just my left side covered in gore.

  [01:04:43] Thorne: Head to tail.

  [01:04:45] Robert: It's very wet. There are chunks. Bits. I thought we talked about this. I thought we were trying to get them to take us to their leader. Well, now the door is open and unguarded so we can continue. That seems like a very murdery way to get there.

  [01:05:10] Thorne: Yeah, I'm not sure that these gorillas deserve to... Wait a minute, what's that one holding? A sandwich?

  [01:05:16] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, there's a three quarters of an egg salad sandwich next to an alchemical potion and an unopened booster pack of Serenity trading cards. God, what happened here?

  [01:05:26] Thorne: Look at this stuff. This is our stuff. He robbed us. This completely justifies all of our murder. Come on, you guys. I start writing a fake suicide note.

  [01:05:41] Star Master Jeff: Once you've done, like, everyone's done desecrating these corpses, a Sworilla walks out and goes, Hey, James, I... Oh!

  [01:05:53] Thorne: Oh, shit. What the hell? James left. Put him in a headlock.

  [01:05:58] Robert: No, just tell him, look, check out the corpses. There's a suicide note.

  [01:06:03] Star Master Jeff: So Blaze jumps up and wraps an arm around his neck, but he's a Swole Rilla, so you're kind of just hanging like a talisman off of his neck right next to his life alert. Yeah. And he says, man, what'd these guys do?

  [01:06:14] Thorne: They stole from us and then exploded. Ah, idiots. What are you here for? We're looking for the leader of the Swole Rillas. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

  [01:06:25] Star Master Jeff: His name is Jorgen. Can you take us to him? Yeah, whatever. You have to leave your gatling gun. Why? Yeah, good point. And he blitzes. Got him. You've outwitted me. And he brings you inside. When you get inside, though, and you start walking through the Ice Palace, which is basically devoid of anything or anyone except for a few Bjorks rushing around as servants. When you start to get towards the inner chamber, the Gorilloid says, okay, here's the thing about Jorkin. Yeah. He doesn't like any of you. He hasn't met us yet. Trust me. And except for this guy, this really alien looking motherfucker, and he points at Flix. He's going to like you. He's going to like that your nose goes up. Like, what if it rains? That's so stupid. So he's going to love talking to you. Yeah, we've met. Oh, yeah. He said that. So we're going to I'm going to bring you in there and you guys are going to have your second conversation because you guys met back on in college. Yeah, back on in college. Yeah, on Planet College.

  [01:07:32] Haleyy: Yeah. Which is just... It looks like Mars, except with the college shirt from Animal House.

  [01:07:43] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, yeah. I know it. I know it. Yeah. You have to describe it to me. Yeah, I know it. I know the place. Yeah, I've been in college. I've been on college before. You look like a college man. Yeah, I've been on college. So... The door opens and there is a extremely roided out gorilla sitting on a throne of, I don't know, Bjork bones with a bunch of skulls all over it. Okay, so they are the bad guys.

  [01:08:20] Haleyy: Well, we don't know how old the throne is. It might have been made by Bjorks.

  [01:08:25] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, these Bjorks could have made it or they could have died of natural causes.

  [01:08:28] Thorne: Yeah, maybe they're just, you know, good at using every part of the carcass.

  [01:08:32] Star Master Jeff: Of the Bjork, yeah. And he's super roided out. He has his, like, life alert, but it's not around his neck because his neck is so fucking chunky. He's got it around his wrist, which is the size of a neck. He's got pecs for days and just huge biceps and triceps. He doesn't skip arm day or chest day, but his legs, itty bitty little legs. It's almost like someone took a pair of Bjork legs and stuck them on him. And he's sitting on his throne of Bjork bones. And when you come in, he goes to stand up and he teeters on his little feet a little bit before falling backwards on the throne. And he goes, Oh, Flix! Flix, my old friends from back on college.

  [01:09:13] Haleyy: How are you? I'm, um, good. How are you? Hey! Hey! Honestly, I've been better. Well... Why? Hey, shut up, you. Shut up. You're pissing me off. You're pissing me off. I don't actually want to talk to him. You don't want to talk to him? No, I'm saying that to bits.

  [01:09:36] Star Master Jeff: Apparently you have a point. So, Flix, remember that time I, like, pooped in your room? That was really funny. In your bed.

  [01:09:43] Haleyy: that was you uh uh yeah i knew it was you oh phew yeah that means that means we're cool now i i humans uh what you have to understand about me and uh jergen is that we had epic prank fights in college epic on back on college dude we were the fucking best

  [01:10:05] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, so what do you need, Flix? What are you here with these bunch of jerk-offs for?

  [01:10:10] Haleyy: Well, last year I published a treatise on human culture that said they were prone to random acts of awful violence, and I got in some trouble for that.

  [01:10:21] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, I read it. It was actually a very accurate and astute scholarly paper. I enjoyed it quite a bit. Thank you for that.

  [01:10:28] Haleyy: Yeah, so I'm making sure it's true. Everyone notices he's wearing glasses. The gorilla's wearing glasses? This one does.

  [01:10:36] Thorne: That's adorable. We can't kill him.

  [01:10:38] Felix: You can't kill him.

  [01:10:39] Thorne: Oh, as soon as you said you were trying to make it true, I just cock my laser rifle as loudly as possible.

  [01:10:45] Star Master Jeff: Hey, who let them in here with their weapons? And the other gorilla goes, hey, I tried to stop them, but they asked me why. Oh, yeah, well. Okay, just don't shoot me. Anyway, Flex and Chovy, my friend from back on college, what can I do for you?

  [01:11:03] Haleyy: You have to pay back... Sorry, I'm realizing that we've entirely manufactured the plot. Yeah. We need you to pay back what you said the Bjorks owed Iceman, so that Iceman Planet will help Snowman Planet defend itself from the Horde. Wait a minute.

  [01:11:25] Star Master Jeff: You want me to help Snowglobo5?

  [01:11:29] Haleyy: I want you to pay the money you owe that you did one of those epic pranks, and I respect it, but you made it so that the Bjorks owed the gym all this money and you know they don't have any money no they don't we took it so just you know we look everybody had a good time it was fun we had a laugh but it's over uh flicks nipple flicks that's what i used to call you uh flicks anchovy oh nipple flicks blanchovy that's what i used to call you that was funny times go ahead and roll your feelings all right

  [01:12:08] Star Master Jeff: Is he saying that or what?

  [01:12:10] Haleyy: Yeah, the line's kind of getting a little blurry. We used to say that all the time on college.

  [01:12:17] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, line's getting blurry. Back on college. And we're not saying on college, we're saying E-N. Oh. Yeah, like en passant.

  [01:12:25] Haleyy: Well, he majored in oncology, so. Yeah. And you mean like E-N, college.

  [01:12:32] Star Master Jeff: College, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

  [01:12:34] Haleyy: Yes.

  [01:12:35] Star Master Jeff: Okay, so it looks like you got a two, and you have a three, and you needed to get under it for feelings? No, you need to get above it. He says, Blix, Blanchovy, my old friend. No. And he kind of grimaces, like, sorry? Like, we kind of took that money, and we spent it. What did you spend it on?

  [01:12:57] Haleyy: Uh... I feel like you don't want to know. Um... No, no, we want to know. I will admit that I don't care, but I think it's better for the story.

  [01:13:10] Star Master Jeff: Now I have to think of something. I spent it on like this really cool building on the other side of the planet called the Crystal Palace.

  [01:13:19] Felix: Hmm.

  [01:13:21] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, it's buried deep under the ice, and it's very secret. There's this whole group of nitwits called the Sailor Scouts or some stupid shit. They keep trying to find it, and every time they show up, I'm just like... Every time they come here asking me about it, I'm like, oh, maybe we go check out a different snow globe planet, and they fucking do it.

  [01:13:41] Felix: Yeah.

  [01:13:41] Star Master Jeff: Pronk. Big pronk.

  [01:13:43] Haleyy: I think he's getting laser. Anyway, yeah, so... Wait, what? Wait, no. This guy? I think Neon Serenity said... Yeah, no.

  [01:13:50] Star Master Jeff: Laser.

  [01:13:51] Haleyy: yeah you guys she's a serial killer that's what i said this guy said one thing she didn't like and she's he didn't say one thing i didn't like he has a whole there was a list of things i haven't liked here yeah look we we all came up here we had a perfectly normal conversation with the gorilla and interacted with the gorillas and neon serenity is just going off the deep end Out of nowhere.

  [01:14:15] Star Master Jeff: When you raise your, like, laser pistol up to him, Neon, he goes, whoa, hey, wait, are you Violet Serenity?

  [01:14:24] Felix: No, I'm Neon Serenity. That's my sister.

  [01:14:26] Star Master Jeff: Ugh. Ugh. Never mind, then.

  [01:14:29] Felix: What do you mean, never mind, then?

  [01:14:32] Star Master Jeff: You heard me. Well. Yeah, never mind. Just shoot me. It's fine.

  [01:14:41] Felix: I know Violet Serenity wouldn't put up with it.

  [01:14:43] Star Master Jeff: Okay, I'll tell you what, because I go way back with you, Flix, we will trade to pay off the debt. We don't have the money anymore because we bought out the Crystal Palace and then spent the rest on pranks that we filmed for our Gorilla Talk channel. And that's it, okay? That's the best I could do. So I'm going to give you a signed and sealed letter. You can bring it back to Iceman on Snowglobo Gym 5. And we'll be squeaky super green.

  [01:15:17] Haleyy: And you'll be nice to the Bjorks. why you let them self-determine and have a democracy that's not gonna a democracy all right a republic a really shitty republic a two-party system fine we'll institute a constitutional republic all right but we're doing capitalism also doing capitalism the cosmic scouts association is taking the crystal palace

  [01:15:40] Star Master Jeff: No.

  [01:15:41] Felix: Yeah.

  [01:15:42] Star Master Jeff: We will enact guerrilla warfare on you.

  [01:15:44] Felix: That's fine. That's fine.

  [01:15:45] Star Master Jeff: Okay. Then I will see you on the field of guerrilla battle.

  [01:15:48] Felix: Yep. They'll be here in about a week. Holy shit. That's fast.

  [01:15:53] Star Master Jeff: Make sure your sister shows up. I've got some cards I need her to sign.

  [01:15:56] Felix: Have you even met Violet Serenity?

  [01:16:00] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, I met her back on college. on college.

  [01:16:08] Felix: She did not go to on college.

  [01:16:11] Star Master Jeff: She was doing a lecture circuit. Really? And then a little, a tiny little gorilla runs up and hands a notarized letter to you like in a sealed envelope. He's like, okay, that's our deal. So go give that to Iceman.

  [01:16:25] Thorne: What makes you think Iceman's gonna accept this as payment? I don't know. Try. He got me there. Yeah.

  [01:16:30] Haleyy: Used my own ruse against me. Obviously, we're expert negotiators, so...

  [01:16:38] Star Master Jeff: As the little gorilla hands Dash the envelope, he says, I saw you race in that giant Grand Prix where you caused the crash. All those poor people. It wasn't your fault. Thank you, small child.

  [01:16:53] Haleyy: That means a lot to me. Dash, you caused the crash? I took a turn too hard, bumped another racer, and it all went into hell.

  [01:17:02] Robert: That's not what you originally told us.

  [01:17:07] Haleyy: Well... I didn't want to put it on the line and make you guys aware that I'm not really good at driving around turns. That's why we crashed. Straight lines, I got. Straight lines, fast, can do that.

  [01:17:21] Robert: But as soon as I need to, you know, angle myself just a little bit, it all goes to hell. Lapsed.

  [01:17:29] Haleyy: I mean, straight lines fast is where you need an expert, so.

  [01:17:32] Felix: Dash, these things are always both the pilot and the ship. It wasn't just you there that day. Don't take it all on yourself.

  [01:17:41] Thorne: Also, the explosion looked awesome. Yeah, I know. It was real cool. Sad all those people died, though. Yeah, that part was a bummer.

  [01:17:47] Felix: Yeah. It was quite a bummer.

  [01:17:49] Star Master Jeff: Great race, though. The little gorilla looks up to you and he goes, We all believe in you, Mr. Dash. Dash reaches down and tussles the little gorilla's hair. He like holds up a model of your car that is now, or your ship rather, your pod race ship, I'm assuming. And it's like a model of it that you don't even have anymore because it got destroyed in the crash. And he goes, will you sign my ship for me, Mr. Dash? You're a hero.

  [01:18:16] Haleyy: Absolutely, little guy. Who should I sign it for?

  [01:18:18] Star Master Jeff: eBay?

  [01:18:19] Haleyy: Little eBay.

  [01:18:21] Star Master Jeff: My name's little eBay.

  [01:18:24] Haleyy: Dash McCready Jr. to little eBay.

  [01:18:27] Star Master Jeff: Yeah. Make it out to cash. Oh, yeah. He gives you his real name because this is a real moment. And he says, my name is Little Gorilla Jr. James. I'm also a junior, which is by a means so much to me that you exist.

  [01:18:45] Haleyy: Oh, Little James Jr., huh? It's a common name. It looks so common. Common name for gorillas, right?

  [01:18:52] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, I was just born. We grow really fast. My dad just became a father.

  [01:18:56] Haleyy: That's how that would work.

  [01:18:58] Star Master Jeff: I can't wait to show my dad this ship.

  [01:19:00] Haleyy: Yeah, well, we have to go. So it was nice meeting you, little James Jr. Yay, I love my daddy.

  [01:19:05] Star Master Jeff: And he runs off.

  [01:19:09] Haleyy: Don't worry. We flawlessly made it look like a murder-suicide thing.

  [01:19:13] Felix: And he knows where to find us if he needs anything.

  [01:19:16] Star Master Jeff: As you go outside, you see that there is a cordoned-off area. for the crime scene and there's a bunch of like gorillas with badges and another gorilla with a trench coat and a hat and as you're walking past you hear him saying well it seems pretty open and shut he was eating this egg sandwich while looking at his new neon serenity cards took a little too much of this potion and well he got cut in half open and shut cut in half pretty bad another one says god damn it i hate to see another one like this but seems like it's one a week at this point it's a real bad case of cut in half real bad case of cut in half and you walk out of earshot as you use the steps that bits made to to go down the mountain can bits go down the stairs and hammer them back into like a slide so we can slide down

  [01:20:09] Haleyy: Well, they probably melted a little bit by now.

  [01:20:11] Felix: So maybe there's mats at the top that the girls leave out, like those safety mats. Oh, I like that idea.

  [01:20:17] Haleyy: Right down on the slides.

  [01:20:20] Star Master Jeff: There are hard sleds up here and it's actually a separate sledding track. But there's only two sleds. But there's enough room for multiple people, three people on each sled.

  [01:20:30] Felix: I was going to say, can we roll for sled? All right, listen.

  [01:20:33] Star Master Jeff: All I know is going fast and straight, I'm on Dash's sled. yeah so dash is at the front of one sled bits is adding a lot of weight to it i'll sit on the back i'll sit on the very back and who's on that sled with them i feel like they have enough people with the heavy robot yeah but you can't fit four on the other sled i'll go on that one we're gonna go so fast okay So we have Dash, Neon, and Bits, and we have Isis, Blaze, and Flix on the other. Who is piloting the second sled?

  [01:21:05] Thorne: I guess I will. I'm very confident.

  [01:21:07] Star Master Jeff: Dash, go ahead and roll 2d6, and Blaze, roll 1d6. Are we rolling feeling lasers? This is lasers. And whoever rolls the lowest wins unless they roll their exact lasers feeling number. And then it's an auto win. Unless you both do that.

  [01:21:23] Robert: Is there any chance I can help my pilot by giving him a cup of coffee? And by cup of coffee, I mean, a big old thing of methamphetamines?

  [01:21:35] Star Master Jeff: Yes. So... You're trying to help by doing that. Okay, so go ahead and roll feelings as you encourage him and feed him apothecary potions. And then does someone on Dash's lead want to assist him in some way?

  [01:21:49] Felix: Yeah, I want to use my knowledge of science and physics to position myself just right to maximize our speed with the counterweight at the back.

  [01:21:58] Star Master Jeff: Okay, go ahead and roll your lasers for that. Make sure to also lean on the slight curve. Otherwise, we're going right off. So it looks like Isis rolled a one, which is going to just barely fail on the feelings to no extra die. And a two from Bits is going to succeed. So 3d6 for Dash, take your best one. And then 1d6 for Blaze. All right. I got two sixes and a two.

  [01:22:30] Haleyy: Needed that extra die. I got a two as well. So we have a tie on twos. Can I make a rule to have sabotaged their sled?

  [01:22:41] Star Master Jeff: Tell me what you want to do. Yeah. Tell me how you, yeah, you're like a prank master as we've established because of your time on college. So how do you, how do you want to prank them?

  [01:22:51] Haleyy: Um, I mean, I think I got to go banana peel, right? It's classic. Oh yeah. It's classic. Or if they're in front, I could do blue shell, but I'm going to do it.

  [01:23:00] Star Master Jeff: Okay, go ahead and roll your... You're throwing a banana peel, so I gotta go with lasers. Really? Oh man, and Isis has mushrooms. You know what? I'm gonna say you can do feelings, because the banana peel is sort of like the most emotional fruit.

  [01:23:13] Haleyy: Yeah, I feel like it provokes laughter. It has a long history in comedy. A four, which is... One above my number.

  [01:23:24] Star Master Jeff: It's above. So you beat it. Okay. So we're going to do a reroll. Dash is going to roll 2d6 because he lost a die due to the banana peel spinning him out slightly. And Blaze is going to roll 1d6. As you rocket down the mountain head to head.

  [01:23:38] Thorne: Here goes. I got a two again.

  [01:23:39] Star Master Jeff: Crankmaster Flix throws out a banana peel, making it a bit more even. That's a great roll. I got a two and a six again. Oh my God. Okay. I think we have to call it then. Even with a banana peel, the two of you are just too... I got to say, the chemistry between these two characters is impeccable because no one pulls ahead as you make your way down to the bottom of the mountain. And by the time you get down to the bottom, like going through these twists and these turns and kind of like locking eyes and like, begrudgingly showing respect as each of you navigate the craziness of Ice Mountain. By the time you reach the bottom, you feel a kinship. It's sort of a bond between racers that Dash has felt many times before, but Blaze is now being inducted into. A bromance has formed. And you skid to a stop at the bottom of Ice Mountain, just on the edge of Bjork Village.

  [01:24:28] Thorne: Damn it, Dash, I knew you were skilled, but that was some crazy sledding. Blaze, that was, that was, I haven't, I haven't been that exhilarated since that Galactic Grand Prix. I ate one of those mushrooms that Isis had and it gave me a boost of speed. Everything's a little red for me.

  [01:24:46] Haleyy: It's just everything is tinted a little red. Is that, is that normal, Isis?

  [01:24:51] Robert: Yes, so that's, um, I may have given you a little extra. Are you, uh, how's your heart rate?

  [01:25:02] Haleyy: Oh, I can feel it. I can feel it pounded in my chest right now. It is a little alarming.

  [01:25:08] Robert: Yeah, that's not good. Let's sit down and take some deep breaths. Would you like some cold water?

  [01:25:16] Haleyy: Has your erection lasted for four hours yet? It hasn't been four hours yet, but we're approaching there.

  [01:25:24] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, it hasn't been four hours, but he does somehow have two erections, which is not a problem. He found the other one in the palace. The Bjorks run up and they look like they were expecting to be cheering. They have like confetti and streamers and stuff, but they're not flying them or throwing them. They come up and one Bjork goes, flying clouds in the pink butterfly. Fuck it. What happened up there? Why are the gorillas still alive? We killed two of them.

  [01:25:51] Felix: We made a deal with the rest to institute a constitutional republic that you will be a part of with a vote commensurate with your stature. Oh my god.

  [01:26:01] Haleyy: Yeah, you'll be able to achieve incremental change.

  [01:26:03] Thorne: But it has to be a two-party system. Sorry, we did our best. And capitalism. I wanted to vote for Bjork Paul.

  [01:26:13] Haleyy: You can. Ron Bjork. Vote for whoever you want. People will be mad at you, but you can.

  [01:26:19] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, I'll split the vote for Bjork Paul. Great. In a constitutional republic. Great, thanks.

  [01:26:23] Thorne: Hey, it's your constitutional right to waste your vote.

  [01:26:27] Star Master Jeff: We will do... Fine.

  [01:26:29] Thorne: It's fine. It's fine. Okay, thanks.

  [01:26:31] Star Master Jeff: Bye.

  [01:26:33] Thorne: Goodbye. Bye. I hope the ship works. I hope the raptors.

  [01:26:37] Star Master Jeff: Thank you for helping me feel...

  [01:26:39] Felix: needed they go over to you and they take they do you have like the book that they gave you as a gift yeah and they rip it out of your hands or off your body and they're like give me that fucking thing and they just walk away oh my god one bjork comes up and kicks you in the shin yeah twice each shin oh man i i don't know this is real high on like laser and anybody who is mean to him now but no don't violet will come and get it next week when she's here

  [01:27:06] Star Master Jeff: Violet. Oh, Violet Serenity. There's a hero.

  [01:27:09] Felix: Yep, she'll be here next week.

  [01:27:13] Star Master Jeff: The six of you make your way back to the Raptor, and you find that the Bjorks have done a bit of work on it. They used their community effort at, I think, Flix Anchovy's request to fix the ship, and they have degaussed it because of all the magnetism. So they basically just rubbed another magnet on it to fix the CRT drive. And... And you climb aboard the Raptor. It smells so much like egg sandwiches in here, by the way, which you had all become accustomed to the smell. But now you've been outside the ship for a little bit. And now you're coming back on. You're realizing that Blaze's obsession with egg salad sandwiches has made the entire ship smell like shit or egg salad.

  [01:28:00] Thorne: Man, I could really go for a sandwich. I'm pretty mad about that one swirilla that ate my sandwich. He got what was coming to him. I'll just say that. Wow.

  [01:28:08] Haleyy: Yeah. That's crazy that he stole your sandwich. Right? I have no idea how it would have ended up in his hands. Probably from when he was pilfering it from me. And then he got poisoned and did a murder-suicide. It's a real tragedy. Yeah, the poison split him right in half.

  [01:28:25] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, is anyone noting this down in the Federation log? Captain's log. My sandwich was stolen today. Yeah. And you lift off of wherever the fuck we are. Slow Globin 3? Yeah. And you make your way back to Slow Globin... Snow Globin Gym 5, where immediately... That must be Iceman. Put him on the big screen. Iceman appears and he goes, hey, you're already back. That's great. So they're going to pay their fee? Yep, they paid it with this missive right here. Okay, that's a, well, there's no reason for you to send it over to me. Open it up and read it out.

  [01:29:08] Thorne: All right, sure. I open it up. I haven't read this yet, so I have no idea what it says.

  [01:29:12] Star Master Jeff: I think once this all blows over, you all come onto the planet and we'll work out together.

  [01:29:17] Thorne: And we'll help the people of Snowglobia 7, right?

  [01:29:21] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, we'll do that first. And then afterwards, we'll come back and we'll work out. I'm not in any state to be working out. That's how we do parades.

  [01:29:26] Thorne: Read the thing to me. Read it to me. All right, here's what it says. It says, hang on one second. Can you put him on hold bits? Yeah, I push the hold button. The music comes on. I just go over to Flix. I said, Flix, this just says get bent. And then someone smeared poop all over the bottom of it. Lie to him.

  [01:29:49] Haleyy: Okay. Okay, I got it. Tell them it's like back road coupons.

  [01:29:55] Felix: I think the drugs will help.

  [01:29:58] Haleyy: I unhold him.

  [01:30:01] Thorne: Okay, sorry about that, Iceman. It says, you know, illustrious members of Globo Gym, Snowglobo Gym 5, we, the Wolrillas of Snowglobin 3, hereby give all of the wealth of our planet to pay the debt, yadda yadda yadda, over the course of millennia, blah blah blah blah blah. Nice.

  [01:30:25] Star Master Jeff: taxes that's crazy we were just there they have so much wealth yeah no they were rolling in it tight i love it that's tight okay that's i love it that's great so um okay no i'm sorry i interrupted you what did what did you want to say um we i i oh i'm sorry you wanted to go go ahead uh sorry one one second

  [01:30:45] Haleyy: Oh, what? Okay. Hello? He hangs up. I'm sorry. I got interrupted in real life. Oh, well, that worked out perfectly. Yeah, it did.

  [01:30:57] Star Master Jeff: I will flip the switch, turn it on. Hey, sorry. I think we got cut off there.

  [01:31:04] Thorne: Yeah, you were like frozen. I don't know what happened. Get it? Anyway, just let it go and move on. Okay, I'm letting it go.

  [01:31:12] Haleyy: I don't know why everyone's so angry at me all of a sudden. That was a Frozen joke. That was perfect. I thought it was funny.

  [01:31:16] Thorne: I don't know what made it so cranky.

  [01:31:20] Haleyy: We know this guy's culture better than he does. That's true. I don't know shit.

  [01:31:25] Thorne: Anyway, do you want these stims or not? We need your help. Yeah, we'll help. It's fine. What do you need? What do they want us to do? We got to get to the space ruins that are on Snowglobia 5, or 7, I mean. Sorry. I'm a forgetful. It's in my backstory, so it has to be true. Yep, still Globia 7. So, we need you to break that blockade. You just need to go and land? President Frosty said you were good for it. Okay, hold on a second.

  [01:31:51] Star Master Jeff: Bing. Bing. I'm conferencing someone in Bing. The cockroach appears in like a three-way call. And he goes, Yes! Yes! Hey, uh, you gotta let these guys through or we're gonna cancel your membership. No! We need our gains! Do it. Okay, fine. You can go through the blockade.

  [01:32:16] Thorne: Perfect. Iceman, you're a man of your word and a man of ice. Yes. I'm an Iceman of my word. Well, bye. And he hangs up. That was easier than expected. Dash, do you think we can, like, eject the stims as you fly over their planet or something and you can land them right at their doorstep or something? I say we keep the stims. They seem to be doing pretty good work. Hey, uh, could you give me some more of that stuff?

  [01:32:40] Haleyy: yeah yeah let's let's just let's keep this stuff here you know but we might give it a give it away or he doesn't have to stop now exactly that's what i'm saying i will have to give you a little uh what we call dream weaver first but yes flix looks like he might succumb to the desire to do more drugs but then he looks down at his 10 minute chip and um i'm sober now i'm uh

  [01:33:11] Thorne: I'm going to stay on straight and narrow.

  [01:33:13] Haleyy: You get that decision after we split that guy in half.

  [01:33:16] Thorne: It changes the man.

  [01:33:19] Haleyy: All right. Time to head back to Snowglobo 7. Where it all started.

  [01:33:24] Star Master Jeff: Let's get to those ruins. Wow. It feels like it's been years since you were on Snowglobo 7 last, or in orbit. And as you approach, the dulcet tones of the communicator start changing. getting real tired of doing this. But I flipped the communication switch on. Yeah, you are the phone guy in this game.

  [01:33:44] Felix: I'm so tired of being the something guy. It's just always the door guy.

  [01:33:47] Star Master Jeff: That's you.

  [01:33:48] Thorne: You're the something guy.

  [01:33:50] Star Master Jeff: You're like, computer, is there another beryllium sphere on board? You're that guy. You're the only one who can talk to the computer. Frosty appears and he goes, Oh, hey, everyone. Thanks so much for coming back. I saw the Armada. Is this the voice I was doing? I don't remember. No, thanks for coming back. It looks like the Armada is making a hole for you. Are you coming down to the ancient space ruin to help out?

  [01:34:18] Thorne: You bet your frozen booty.

  [01:34:19] Felix: We'll be there soon.

  [01:34:21] Star Master Jeff: Okay, over, colder, and out. He hangs up. Very nice. Okay, there is the armada moves like liquid. The asteroids flowing out of the way, making a hole. You could have just gone above or below them, but for dramatic purposes, you fly directly between.

  [01:34:38] Thorne: That's not how space works.

  [01:34:39] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, everything's on a flat plane. This is Star Wars style. Dash. You don't have to roll a pilot or anything unless you want to do something special or if you want to describe the way that you're taking it in. Otherwise, we can just have you fly straight to the ancient space ruins.

  [01:34:53] Haleyy: That's actually why we couldn't fly above or below it because Dash can't turn. It only goes straight. Yeah, he's not an ambi-turner. Yeah, they were in the way, so we had to... Yeah. Dash is going to live up to his name and is not going to trust that the Hive Armada is not going to close in on us, so he's going to punch it. If you crash into this planet too, it's going to be awesome. It's going to be great, isn't it? Good job.

  [01:35:20] Star Master Jeff: You punch it and you go straight through the armada and make your way to the far side of the planet to the ancient space ruin following the coordinates that Frosty gave you. Far below you on the planet's surface as you begin to break atmosphere, you can see the ancient space ruins below you and they are startling in both form and function. As you break through the clouds, you see the distinctive hard lines of the ancient space ruin. You get closer and closer and yep, that is what appears to be a mid-sized mall. like from the 80s. You can see all the different signs. There's a Sears and a JCPenney, but they're all like puns having to do with like frost and snow. I just can't be bothered. Zero degrees C, Penny. And you anyway, you go and there's a parking lot if you want to land in the parking lot or like land on the roof of the mall. But this is the ancient space ruin. Landed in the parking lot. Oh, and in the distance, you see the Statue of Liberty. This is actually Earth. Oh, shit. Big reveal. Oh, no. Crazy. And that's what the gorillas were on the other planet. monkeys all along and you land on on future earth you land uh in the parking lot of the mall on future earth snow globo 7 which for all of our listeners at home this is what climate change is going to do so write to your representatives you're going to be overtaken by frosty people and you exit the ship to the very very cold world of snow globo 7 A snowboarder goes by. What would you like to do?

  [01:36:59] Haleyy: I think we should all go to Claire's and get our ears pierced to commemorate the adventure.

  [01:37:03] Felix: I love that.

  [01:37:04] Haleyy: That's a good idea. I agree. Okay.

  [01:37:07] Felix: Let's go to Claire's.

  [01:37:08] Star Master Jeff: We have an accord. Everyone goes into the ancient space ruin mall, and you find that it is actually bustling with force field holograms, like the doctor from Voyager. So you could touch them, but they're all fake. Well, the doctor would be pissed off if I said that. You make your way through. People are shopping. They're all wearing, like, 90s clothes. So they all have, like, purple with triangles all over it. And, like, Zack Morris walks by. And you make your way to Claire's. And a woman in Claire's that looks just like Topanga says, Hi, would you like to get all of your ears pierced to commemorate your adventure? Yes. No, just one. Not all of your ears, just your one ear?

  [01:37:52] Thorne: Yes. Oh, I meant just one of mine. I guess I'll do both, actually. All three of them.

  [01:37:57] Star Master Jeff: All three of them. She goes through and pierces as many ears as people have or want to have pierced. And you can have a stud. Actually, she gives every one of you a commemorative, like, token earring. Yeah, they have to match. Yeah, it says, um, best friend adventure.

  [01:38:13] Thorne: on them. Does it at least also mention Snowglobia 7? If you wanted to. I got my ears pierced on Snowglobia 7. It's a big earring. No, it's a normal sized earring. And all of this is legible.

  [01:38:25] Star Master Jeff: Can I get a magnet instead of an earring? Instead of? No. Yeah. No. But in addition to, yes. I can't get an earring. I'm a robot. I don't have ears. I'm just saying these are the rules of Claire's. We decided to put a real store into this game, so I had to follow the real store rules. And if you don't get your ear pierced, you can't buy a magnet. Well, fine. Then I'll go to one of the stalls in the middle of the mall and get a magnet. Okay. So whatever. You go to one of the stalls and get a magnet. Okay? You happy? Yes. But everyone's in clear as having fun while you're looking for that stall. I know what I'm feeling.

  [01:39:00] Robert: I'm going to immediately pierce your ears at night bits.

  [01:39:05] Thorne: have ears. My head's smooth. We're gonna put ears on you and then we're gonna pierce them.

  [01:39:11] Star Master Jeff: They have ear magnets at Claire's. Well, you didn't tell me that. Something seems weird to you, Bits, as you're walking around this mall. One of the holograms glitches. And instead of empty air underneath, you instead see a cockroach. It's just a momentary glitch and now, once again, it's A.C. Slater. Calls you a nerd and walks off. Calls you preppy and walks off.

  [01:39:34] Haleyy: Oh shit, AC Slater. He's only harmed by weapons plus three or greater.

  [01:39:40] Star Master Jeff: He has a great AC Slater. Can I do like a scan? Yeah, you have your multi-device. What are you scanning for? I'm basically checking to see if there are actually cockroaches under all of these.

  [01:39:55] Robert: One of ten on my weird shit-o-meter.

  [01:39:58] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, so you start, you activate the weird shit-o-meter app on your Federation scanner, and you're walking, looking for this kiosk, but you're also kind of like, hmm, was that a cockroach? You can't quite find that one in the crowd anymore. But all of these are like normal holograms for the most part. So you go past Toys R Ice, Panda Ice Press, Snowy Mountain Sports, Sir Burr-O's. Ha ha!

  [01:40:24] Felix: God, that was good.

  [01:40:26] Star Master Jeff: Stan, that's perfect. That's so good. These are all puns that they're writing at the chat that I'm stealing. But I encourage everyone at home to imagine that I came up with them. So you make your way to the frozen food court and you get a blip on your scanner and it's that noise that you love to hate. I click it on. You actually have found another cockroach posing as a famous 90s character. This one is Joey Lawrence.

  [01:40:57] Haleyy: Whoa.

  [01:40:58] Felix: Whoa. You found me out.

  [01:41:00] Star Master Jeff: I'm a cockroach. Whoa. He's buying a... He's buying Putsin from a Putsin seller.

  [01:41:09] Haleyy: You know, a 90s mall is a really dangerous place to be a phony. Like, you could get decimated by a goth.

  [01:41:16] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, and there's a swarm of goths nearby. So, not every hologram is a cockroach. No. Okay. You've found two so far.

  [01:41:27] Robert: Okay.

  [01:41:28] Felix: I want to get back to the team and give them my information.

  [01:41:31] Star Master Jeff: They are just walking. They're gone from Claire's and you find them walking out of Coldstone Creamery enjoying their licks.

  [01:41:38] Felix: Okay. Come up to them. Dash! Everybody! We have a problem.

  [01:41:43] Haleyy: Oh no.

  [01:41:43] Felix: Some of these holograms are hiding. Roaches. It was already here. They're already here. Is that our problem? Yes.

  [01:41:52] Haleyy: That's very much our problem.

  [01:41:54] Thorne: I don't know what they're going to do with these ruins that could destroy this system. We got to figure out how to either get rid of all the roaches or somehow disable the ruin.

  [01:42:04] Haleyy: Well, I know how all the malls were destroyed. It was, what do you call it? Same way Toys R Us was destroyed.

  [01:42:13] Star Master Jeff: Oh, private equity.

  [01:42:15] Haleyy: Private equity.

  [01:42:15] Star Master Jeff: I mean, I have to thank you all for writing literally every sentence of this adventure for me. You look off to the side and you see Joey Lawrence. He shiftedly looks back and forth, and then he goes through an employees-only door near JCPenney. I couldn't even think of one snow pun to do for that one.

  [01:42:37] Thorne: Zero degrees C-penny.

  [01:42:38] Haleyy: I already did that one. Icy pennies. You can also just say JCPenney, but ice.

  [01:42:45] Star Master Jeff: Yeah, he goes into a door that's next to the fucking place where you buy knives and shit. Spatula store. But ice. Okay, guys, you happy? And he looks shiftily back and forth and then disappears. And then quietly as he closes the door, you hear, Whoa.

  [01:43:05] Thorne: That's his catchphrase. It is. We should follow him. I agree. Agreed. He'll probably lead us straight towards whatever their machinations are. I open up my hatch that I keep in my chest, and I hand some orange chicken.

  [01:43:19] Felix: It's very cold. Jeffrey the giraffe walks by.

  [01:43:23] Haleyy: Oh, God, we can't have that many Jeffs. Get them out of here. Come on. No, get him on a podcast somewhere. Yeah, we have four Jeffs in this scene right now. There are stars of that number of podcasts out there with no Jeffs, and they...

  [01:43:41] Felix: Are you as charged with that number of podcasts without a Jeff? And you need one.

  [01:43:45] Star Master Jeff: Call us now. Okay. You have a couple of leads. You can follow Joey Lawrence. You can go talk to the goths. You can go interact with any store that you can think of. We are a hundred percent following Joey Lawrence. The plot. Okay. Boring. You move up to the employees only door. Would you like to enter or what you guys want to plan? i'm kicking it down yeah hell yeah all this pussyfooting around i don't have time for this you can't say that on this podcast sorry um i was gonna make it way worse and i'm not gonna yeah you kick open the door boom uh so you guys are not being quiet anymore and you see that there is a long employees only hallway that leads to like behind all the stores so like for all the like going in and out for like getting storage stuff in like boxes, the box doors, I guess you could call it. And there is a stairway at the very end. And the sign over the stairway says private. And then there was a it looks like the signs like worn away. Shit. Like maybe there was another word after the word private, but you can't quite read it.

  [01:44:51] Haleyy: I think if we go back there, we might get in trouble, guys. You have to approach the private door. Hey, wait.

  [01:44:57] Star Master Jeff: A man behind you says, hey, wait. What? Who's there? You turn around and you see Kevin James. And he says, what do you think you're doing? That's a private... That's private back there.

  [01:45:05] Haleyy: You're from the 2000s. Oh, shit. I'm a human expert. And I know when Kevin James became the King of Kings.

  [01:45:12] Star Master Jeff: Oh, man. Yeah. He gets on his... What the fuck are those things called? Segway. And he rides away. He's like, my bad. Sorry. I'll think of a different 90s Hulk Hogan shows up and he's just like, get in there, brother. And you are able to... No one stops you, I guess, because I was beating at my own 90s game. So you walk behind these doors.

  [01:45:33] Thorne: I kick this one down, too. I'm only kicking doors.

  [01:45:38] Star Master Jeff: You start walking towards this door and you kick open the door and it says private above it. Maybe there's another word after it, but you can't read it because it's been like worn down over time. Nor do I stop to read it because I just kick it. Yeah, because of the not being able to read. And on the other side of the door is a ancient set of stone steps spiraling down. It looks as though thousands, if not millions of trips have worn these steps down into little rounded nubs. Going down, down into the deep dark below, we'll call it Raccoon City Mall.

  [01:46:13] Thorne: Because someone said Raccoon City way earlier. Yeah, that's a callback. Neon, have you ever seen a place like this?

  [01:46:19] Felix: Yeah.

  [01:46:20] Thorne: Where should we go? Down these spiraling stairs?

  [01:46:23] Felix: We should go down the spiraling stairs.

  [01:46:26] Thorne: You're an intrepid explorer.

  [01:46:27] Star Master Jeff: Neon's got like a margarita.

  [01:46:33] Felix: A hollow margarita just for vibes.

  [01:46:38] Star Master Jeff: Okay, it sounds like you're going down these steps. So, you go down these steps, and down, deep down, you exit into a hallway with guttering torches, and you can hear the chanting and chittering of cockroaches somewhere in a room down towards the end of this hallway. And you can hear one of them saying, It's working! The mall is dying, and when it does, the galaxy will be destroyed. I mean, it'll be ours. I'm not quite clear what we're doing, but... we will have purchased all of it for ourselves. Oh, the private sign said private equity. Ah, you wrote the plot for me. It's my plan. To serve man's situation. And when we drive them out of business by keeping prices low, once they are gone, we will jack up the prices and then we'll invent AI and ruin everything. Yeah.

  [01:47:32] Thorne: Not so fast, hive scum. And I, like, commando roll out from behind the corner.

  [01:47:39] Star Master Jeff: Oh, shit, that's a good roll. That was tight. There's 12 cockroaches in here, and they're all different 90s people. There's Joey Lawrence. Tiffany Amber Thiessen's in here. I'm only going to give you two more. One of them is Clarissa, and the other one... Shit, I couldn't... Never mind, not Clarissa. Ferguson, her brother, is in there. And one of the kids from Are You Afraid of the Dark, your choice. Ooh. whatever you're imagining. We have one of the Pete's. Fine. There's five that I'm going to name. Younger Pete is here and he's making his tattoo dance right now. What do you think you're doing here? This is a private meeting, a private equity meeting.

  [01:48:13] Thorne: And he twirls his mustache. Whatever you hive scummer up to, you're not going to get away with it because I'm going to blow this place to dust before you have a chance.

  [01:48:21] Haleyy: Hell yeah.

  [01:48:22] Star Master Jeff: No, you're not.

  [01:48:23] Haleyy: Wait, what?

  [01:48:24] Star Master Jeff: Yes, we are. One of the hologrammed cockroaches stepped forward. This one looks like... Someone give me something. Steve Urkel. This one looks like Steve Urkel and goes, Wow! Flix Anchovy, I know you from back on college.

  [01:48:40] Thorne: Flix, you had a lot of friends back on college.

  [01:48:45] Haleyy: Um, yeah, I was like a local celebrity.

  [01:48:48] Star Master Jeff: I wouldn't exactly call us friends. He was always pranking us and then blaming me. And he like plays with his suspenders as he says that.

  [01:48:57] Haleyy: Um, you know, I think you should get over yourself. I was always pranking people and blaming people. I wasn't. You weren't part of it. You caught a couple of strays. You're not. I don't know your name. Wow.

  [01:49:07] Star Master Jeff: My name is doesn't matter. My name doesn't matter. I'm a cockroach. We don't have names. That explains it then. Okay, well, I'm also the leader of this group. And you just stumbled into this private equity meeting. And you're not on the board of directors. So you're basically stupid subhumans. So get out of here so that we can keep talking and counting our money.

  [01:49:30] Thorne: May not be on the board of directors, but I am on the board of explosives. And then I reveal that I am holding some explosives. Oh, shit. Yeah. So you pull out your dynamite. Thermal detonator. She's holding a thermal detonator? They all back up a step. All right, you roaches. I don't want to have to do this. You and the hive need to get out of here. Wait a minute, I do want to do this, actually. Stay here so I can blow you up.

  [01:49:55] Star Master Jeff: Well, we don't want to get blown up, but we're also not going to leave.

  [01:50:01] Haleyy: They really are private equity.

  [01:50:03] Star Master Jeff: Yeah. He kind of like puts his hands out in front of him, like little pincher hands, and he's like hopping them back and forth like bunnies. And he's like, we aren't going anywhere. Brought the raid. Hey, whoa, hey, racist, racist. Every adventure with you, Scar, you got to be racist. Xenophobic, get it right. That's racist, saying that too. Okay, we don't want to fight you, but we will. But we have a different proposition for you.

  [01:50:32] Haleyy: That's good, because we have two options. I think I have a third. Not unless it's an expansion to Losers and Peelings.

  [01:50:43] Star Master Jeff: We own a small ski mountain nearby. We're currently about, well, we're going to own it very soon. Unfortunately, the ragtag team of ski instructors have been opposing us at every turn. The deal might fall through. Join us on the ski mountain and race us. And if you beat us, we'll leave this mall alone.

  [01:51:04] Thorne: My eyes quickly turned to Dash. I can do that. I can do that. Is it a straight line down the hill?

  [01:51:11] Star Master Jeff: No. Oh, gosh. You have to, like, you have to slalom.

  [01:51:14] Robert: Several turns.

  [01:51:16] Haleyy: Dash's greatest weakness. You've grown so much.

  [01:51:19] Thorne: You can do this.

  [01:51:21] Felix: We believe in you, Dash.

  [01:51:23] Thorne: We know you can turn.

  [01:51:25] Star Master Jeff: Okay, we'll take you up on that. Smash cut to the top of the mountain. Dash is strapped into skis. Roll 2d6. This is kind of like piloting a spaceship. Yeah, I'll take it. Yeah, exactly the same. Are we doing lasers or feelings? lasers and i you're racing seven cockroaches and four ski instructors everyone is vying for some people are vying for control of the mall and some people are vying for control of the ski resort and you're not exactly sure how you fit into this but you're gonna win yeah and according to previously established canon at least some of them are playing to destroy the solar system probably economically economically it doesn't say destroyed physically it's just like an economic devastation yeah yeah okay fair yeah they're they're trying to impose a recession so that they can like gobble up more real estate right all right here we go i got oh no

  [01:52:23] Haleyy: A five and a six. Is it not a feelings roll? No, it's a lasers.

  [01:52:29] Star Master Jeff: Yeah. Well, smash cut to you plowing through every flag on the way down, unable to turn. You try to move your legs.

  [01:52:38] Felix: I want to make an argument that it actually is feelings because you're skiing and it says feelings is intuition and wild, passionate action. Argument denied. You smash through every flag all the way down the hill.

  [01:52:52] Star Master Jeff: Just start pinwheeling and cartwheeling. Yeah, you start rolling end over end and you get to the bottom of the hill sliding on your face. Belly flopped. Everyone else finished about 30 seconds ago. And the ski instructors go... We won! We won! We own the ski resort now. They hoist up this one person who was really bad at skiing but finally got really good at it and they like go off and they continue their separate TTRPG episode in like a huge burst of glory and like really powerful ending.

  [01:53:21] Haleyy: Yeah, that guy also couldn't turn earlier, but he did in the final race. He figured it out. I saved the day.

  [01:53:27] Star Master Jeff: Dash had 2d6, just had to roll a 4 below and skids to a stop.

  [01:53:33] Haleyy: Dash, you were supposed to do that.

  [01:53:34] Star Master Jeff: Faceplanting on his belly as the seven cockroaches you were racing stand there waiting for you.

  [01:53:39] Thorne: I offer him my hand to pick him up out of the snow. It just wasn't your race, Dash. Did I do good, Blaze? Did I do good? You were amazing. And then I pull you up.

  [01:53:49] Star Master Jeff: Blaze, as you say that, you look back up the hill and you can see the devastation that he's wrecked on the other 20 skiers and how many explosions he caused. The complete wreckage that harkens back to the pod race that he did before. I couldn't be more proud. And this will go down in his history as another bloody battle of Dash McCready Jr. The cockroach that looks like Steve Urkel says, well, I'm sorry, but it looks like we're going to keep them all.

  [01:54:17] Haleyy: Damn it. Well, we tried our best. This was our one chance.

  [01:54:20] Felix: Did we try our best?

  [01:54:22] Haleyy: I mean, we did a lot of stuff, but we lost the race. Have you considered, Mr. Roach Man, that there is a gym on Snow Globe 5 that you could perhaps private equity instead of this mall? I hear that they bring in so much money because of all the swole gorillas and icemen. Mm-hmm. And they're really difficult to cancel a subscription to. Yeah, that's true. Do you even grift, bro?

  [01:54:48] Star Master Jeff: That is an interesting grift. And now my hackles are raised because you called me bro, which means I must rise to the occasion.

  [01:54:55] Haleyy: I don't know roaches like I know humans, but I know both like to be called bro.

  [01:55:03] Star Master Jeff: I will do that. We will retrieve from the mall. Malls are terrible anyway, and they don't make you any money. And buying up all this land on Snowglobo 7 hasn't actually helped us very much. And there is more valuable real estate in other parts of the galaxy. I will instruct the Armada to go and form an alliance with... no globo gem five but only if flicks anchovy gives me a heartfelt apology for all the pranks he played on me back on college all right no not here somewhere romantic uh romantic for a roach um there's a soboros right there yeah let's go to the corndog seven He follows you to whatever you think is romantic. Where are you bringing him? The dumpsters out back. There you go. Now we're talking. The dumpsters of a sea lodge. Oh, everyone like backs away like 20 feet. And it's just you and Urkel standing by a dumpster. And he puts out his hands for you to hold two of his hands. Okay, I do. And you look deep into his magnified Urkel eyes. And he says, I'm ready for my apology.

  [01:56:23] Haleyy: Cockroach Steve Urkel, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. Psych! And then I pants him. You push him over. I throw him in the dumpster. He goes, yeah!

  [01:56:40] Thorne: Then what? And then I run away. No, we rigged the dumpster to explode and then I push the trigger.

  [01:56:45] Star Master Jeff: Okay, so you've killed Cockroach Steve Urkel in a blaze of explosive glory. Any other cockroaches back up like, Did I do that? Perfect. All the cockroaches, like everyone's looking stunned as it blows up and like the fire goes from explosion to like just constant flame and the crackle and hiss of trash fire emanates. and the flames start to creep up the side of the lodge, and then one cockroach just hits its hands together once, and then again, and then another cockroach hits its hands together, and slowly but surely, the remaining six cockroaches begin to slow clap you, and cockroach Tiffany Amber Thiessen comes forward and says, that was incredible, and you were all heroes. we will retreat. We never wanted to be here in the first place. You see, cockroach Steve Urkel was mind controlling us. He was using the machine in the basement of his house, turning into Stefan and then hypnotizing us.

  [01:57:45] Haleyy: Solid episode. Yeah.

  [01:57:46] Star Master Jeff: Yeah. Yeah. It's a it's a problem in our society how easily hypnotized we are. So thank you so much. I'll remember that for next time I'm paddling here. Don't battle us, please. Everyone kind of like bursts out laughing. And all of a sudden, everyone has a frosty pina colada in their hand. And the snow begins to melt and the sun comes out and everyone starts to dance and the hula girls come out. And you really feel like this story is wrapping up nicely. All of a sudden you hear timeout and Zack Morris walks on screen as everyone freezes. Well, that was our adventure for today, he says with that smug fucking look he always has. We had two visiting podcasters from Seventh Star to the right in Astronomica. It was a super fun time. Lasers and feelings. We all love that. We had a cast of Brian playing Blaze Starcutter, Jeff from Seventh Star playing Dash, MacReady, Stan as Flix, Anchovy, Scott as Bit, Stephanie as, of course, Neon Serenity, and Doja as Isis of this tour. An amazing cast full of crazy, wild turns. I want to hear one more time from our guests. Jeff from Seventh, take it away.

  [01:58:58] Haleyy: Yeah, thank you so much for having me. Just a reminder, Seventh Star to the right. You can find us on any place you find podcasts. And we do a new episode every other Wednesday. Awesome.

  [01:59:12] Star Master Jeff: And Stan from Astronomica.

  [01:59:14] Haleyy: AstronomicaPodcast.com. Basically the same deal except Wednesday.

  [01:59:19] Star Master Jeff: Amazing. I love it. Three stars without a number podcast, just making love in an actual play way. And if you want to head on over to their podcast and hear the experience that I had on there, I had a lot of fun. So please check it out. And that's all we have for today. Thanks for listening to this one shot.

  [01:59:38] Haleyy: And if you were under 40, I'm sorry you didn't get the jokes. Yeah, right.

  [01:59:43] Star Master Jeff: once again thanks for playing all and for all of our listeners out there thanks so much for listening to this very special episode if you are new here if you came here from astronomica or from 7 star to the right or you just found us organically through reddit or google search or wherever you came from thanks so much for joining us on this wild adventure today if you like what you heard please go to darkstaradventures.com and check out our actual main show, where a crew of misfits travel across the galaxy trying to get revenge for a lot of things. It's a lot of things to explain, but go and start with episode one and enjoy the ride. Thanks so much for listening, and as always, keep following that signal.